The Middle Life

King of the Nerds has died....RIP Steve Jobs

2011-10-09T17:21:00.006-04:00

If there ever was a king of the nerds, this guy was it.

He invented the word Nerd.

His picture is under the word in the dictionary.

He was a nerd when nerds were not cool.

He made nerds needed and not frowned upon, completely.

He was a guy all nerds looked to as the answer to the evil empire for years.

I think he will be missed.

All we have left for a real nerd is Bill Gates now? He just ain't cool.

So who is this Oprah broad anyway?

2011-05-20T17:23:00.011-04:00

I have to admit it, I have been lucky. Lucky, so far, as to have 2 mostly normal kids, a 25 year great marriage and a life that ain't that bad. It could always be worse, sure. That's what your taught to tell yourself anyway. You could always be like the family down the block that drives a Hyundai and looks like they shop at Goodwill on there best days. You use those folks to make your kids feel guilty when they leave most of the dinner you made on the plate telling you it sucks and they don't like it.

But why do I say today that I am lucky? I heard that Oprah person is ending her show. Yes, I said Oprah person because I don't know her other name really either. I have been one of the lucky bastards in this life that has gone an entire life and missed every episode that Oprah chick ever had on.

Oh I am aware of her. I see her thin, fat, thin, fatter, thin, fattest on the cover of those rags in the newstands. I know she is "somebody". But to me, eh, she ain't all that. She seems to do some sort of blah blah womans show. I think she ripped off Regis and Kathy Lee for some reason.

I have somehow managed to go 20 or 30 years and not seeing this show once. Of course I have seen the clips, the jumping Tom Cruise thing years back.

Oh I do recall some bald dude on there pitching snake oil for your brain. I don't know what happened to that bald guy. He was a weird fellow. He was in some trial for something to do with her.

But in anycase, I count myself one of the few, the proud, the No Oprah on my TV guy.

You can't sing, just stop already.

2011-01-27T08:07:00.000-05:00

My question of the day.

Why and who started the singing of Happy Birthday with all the loud clapping and stomping going around you at a restaurant? Was this some form of employee moral building exercise run amok?

Or was it a gag that someone started and now the whole damn world thinks this is cool to do to humiliate the family member that was stupid enough to choose this restaurant for a birthday dinner?

Why would anyone want a group of strangers, pimple faced teens, old fat ass ladies with bleach blonde hair, to sing Happy Birthday to them?

Is this where they got the idea for that "Glee" show?

Have a bunch of high school wannabee's singing silly and badly in front of a couple hundred people and this makes you happy?

This has past its prime about 10 years ago. Please stop it. I can't stand the bad singing and the YAHOO!! at the end everytime.

I think if you have to come up with a ritual for Happy Birthday, make it a lap dance or back massage. Take your pick, both would make for a happier day overall. Or get lucky and get both and have a happy ending as well. Works for me. I think I start that one this year.

Wait until this takes over, you will all thank me forever for thinking up and instituting this ritual event.

My son made a funny today

2010-08-02T17:12:00.005-04:00

Nice day today here in Middleville. Took the son out and played golf and started to teach what it takes to be a caddy for his old man. Being such a nice guy that I am, I gave him a couple of Powerades and $10 to go and splurge on IPod apps.

Yep, an IPod. That's where 13 year old money goes today. I must be the last dumbass on the planet that didn't see this coming. Apple taking all my kids money to buy apps that do the same thing that your brain does when it's working. Why didn't I buy this stock for the kids instead of a 529? I am a stupid, stupid, man.

But he come's up with one good one on the ol'Middler today.

The smaller child was having a hard time with loading a diaper, if you get my drift, and he came up with one that had me rolling.

"Hey baby, you having a hard time pooping? Need some soothing music or lights to help get you through the time your having right now? We have an app for that."

Birthdays and golfing with your son...

2010-05-31T13:37:00.005-04:00

Not me of course, some alcoholic and his son with a friend, I happened upon them today in a early morning round, since its so damn hot right now by noon.

Just a short blurb I heard the son tell his Dad on the 18th hole that I will never forget. It was the perfect ending to a shitty round with these bozo's that shot over 130, and that was with cheating by only counting the ball they could find off the tee, if that happened to be the 3rd or 4th or whatever.

I was at the point on the 16th hole, just get me out of here, I cannot get out of here fast enough.

But on the 18th hole, sonny boy of Daddy drunk, came out with the best line I heard all day.

"Gee Dad, Happy Birthday, I can't wait to count up your score, you played like shit."

I laughed all the way to the car.

Found this on Webster's

2010-02-08T20:24:00.007-05:00

Main Entry: Manning

Pronunciation: \ˈskrü\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English Dufus, from Medieval Latin Dumbass, from Latin, dipshit

Date: 15th century

1 a : a simple dufus that incurs the play that screws a team from coming back and winning a game.

b : a nail-shaped or rod-shaped piece with a spiral groove and a slotted or recessed head designed to be inserted into the ass of all your teamates by rotating (as with a screwdriver) ) 2 : a worn-out useless sack of shit 3 chiefly British : a small packet (as of tobacco) 4 : a prison guard who gets it

Closely related but not to be confused with a Favre, a Favre is when you actually lose the game with a turnover. A Manning is sealing the deal of screwing your team totally from winning.

Ex: He pulled a Manning last night by pissing on the bouncers leg, thus ensuring to have his ass kicked.

Tiger Woods first interview - A Middlelifer exclusive!

2009-12-15T08:51:00.001-05:00

December 14th, 2009 -Middlelife News flash: Middlelifer makes contact with a certain Eldrick Woods. We have the exclusive picture of Tiger after the "accident" and the real story leading up to the night that Tiger got whacked.

The following is an excerpt of the full interview to be published in January Mad Magazine.

Middle: So Tiger, thanks for letting me be the first to get the "straight" scoop on the real facts of the night of your accident. I see you have a couple of stitches and a nasty black eye from the horrific night. So my first question is, how are you feeling?

Tigger: Uh, I feel great dude. The pain pills do wonders for this stuff. I wish they would have let me take it during the US Open last year. Would have been much easier to beat the crap outta that Rocco? guy. He was pissing me off with dragging it out another round. I was supposed to meet skank No. 10,153 that same day, really threw me off my game when I had to delay it.

And you know how a player don't like putting off no ho's!

Middle: Okay, sure Tiger, whatever you say player. Now lets get down to it. One night your sitting around and enjoying the big ass Turkey or whatever you had that day, and then what?

Tigger: Well you know, I was sexting some of my posse, doing the usual, getting some nice pics to make me get ready for the wife, if you know what I mean, hehehehe. Well, El comes out in her normal bikini that I make her put on for me, the one she was blasted all over the web with ya know? Hey, its what rocks the Tigger, so anyway, I was getting busy with it, when another ho chimed in on the I-phone with a video. Damn, that girl was nasty!

Middle: So, Elin see's the phone and then what?

Tigger: What? Look at my eye fool! What you think happened? Bitch went Lorena Bobbitt on my ass. Ever seen a Tiger run faster than a Cheetah? You did that night if happened to drive by.

Middle: So you got in the Escalade, and then what?

Tigger: Man can that white girl get jiggy with a 3-iron. She come tossing clubs like she was trying out for the javelin throw for Sweden. She got right in the left side, left a piece of my sand wedge in my ass! Anyway, I shot out and forgot that I had taken Vicodin that night, damn if that shit don't hit ya at the wrong time. But it was great when I fell out of the car and pretended to be sleeping, my neighbors figured I just been hitting the Colt 45 and doing shots as usual.

Middle: So here we are, 14 - 15 affairs, or women, or whatever you want to count up to, where does Tigger go from here?

Tigger: I guess no one really understands the Tiger. I have goals like all sports athletes. That basketball guy, Wilt Chamberlain, says he had 20,000 women. Well, as everyone knows, I love competition, and I figured that was another one that had to fall to me. Charles Barkley said I couldn't do it, So I had to go Nike on his ass about that too.

Middle: One more before break Tiger, does Elin plan on staying around to see that outcome?

Tigger: Hold on a sec, my phone......yeah, yeah, OH SHIT! (Tiger gets up, I see Elin coming with a Big Bertha Driver, I hear him saying something about number 11,245 wanting money too..)

What happens next? My headline will be "Elin neuters a cat."

I have been saved by the United Kindom?

2009-02-10T11:23:00.004-05:00

The phony emails are always a hoot, but this one took the grand prize for the stupidest one I have gotten in a long time. Truly a miracle?

To whom it may benefit:

MIRACLE CHURCH OF GOD LONDON.

Somerset House Strand

London WC2 1LB,

United Kindom.

Greeting in the name of the lord,

I am REV. Eric White, the church Rev of MIRACLE CHURCH OF GOD LONDON. We give out church loans to various individual who proof to be reliable and meet our core expectations. We give out company/cooperate loans, personal loans and business loans with a very low Interest Rate of 2%. We give out from ($10,000.00 USD (minimum loan).

* Are you financially Squeezed?

* Do you seek funds to pay off credits and debts?

* Do you seek finance to set up your own business or loanshark operation?

* Are you in need of private or business loans for various purposes, gambling debts?

* Do you seek loans to carry out large projects, building a nuclear bomb shelter?

* Do you seek funding for various other processes like a sex change?

* If you have any of the above problems, our church can be of assistance to you but I want you to understand that we give out our church loans at interest rate of 2%.

Please Fill in your personal information as stated below.

BORROWERS INFORMATION Your Full Name:

Address:

Country:

Sex:

Phone Number:

Duration of loan:

Amount needed:

Occupation:

Your Company Name:

Please Kindly contact the church Bishop via this information below.

Bishop West Brown

Email: miraclechurchofgod@live.com

Tel: +44 704 574 0804

Fax: +44-871-661-4677

Best Regards,

REV. Eric White.

Foreclosed on, he had to go.....

2009-01-09T13:04:00.005-05:00

I actually sold this on Ebay, the world is that nuts.

Hermie Shrimp - Large character actor species used in many erotic seafood films.

Last seen in "Finding Nemo", this actor had a small swim in and out of scene part in every Jacques Cousteau film in the 60's and 70's. His family consisted of no fewer than 15 Million offspring in a long and formidable reproduction career. Finally giving it up in one last scene, in his last movie "Its a Bugs Life with Shrimp in the Middle".
He died in a Tahitian fishing net last Tuesday. Since he was finally discovered again after years of seclusion, we have decided in his honor, to showcase his amazing talent.

His last scene before being devoured is here on display for you, the world, to see. Hermie was not your everyday shrimp off the old block. He was bigger than that. He was much, much, bigger than that. He gave every female lead his undivided attention and was always there with the "money" shot.

You can own Hermie in all his preserved glory today by bidding on his only lasting memories, 3 pictures that are vintage Hermie. Yes, you can own and treasure these pictures, like the adoring public that watches his every movie ever made, over, and over, again.

Bid on this amazing set of (3) digital prints of the Amazing Hermie! Instant transfer of these copyrightable photos can be yours with the click on the bid now button! Go ahead, you know you want to see him in all his glory. Only 1 picture is not enough. You have to see the other side of Hermie! You are bidding on the last remaining artifact of Hermie Shrimp, I will email them immediately upon payment via Paypal. Happy Bidding and Good Luck!

Bid high, bid long, bid strong! In seven days, Hermie will be owned by you, or he will face extinction with the trash can on my desktop. Only you can save Hermie from this foreclosure of his space on the hard drive!

Palin = $300,000 - Middlelifer = $0?

2009-01-02T23:21:00.010-05:00

Now I have a reason to rant against the machine. A dumb, dropout, fat bitch pops out a kid and gets $300k for it? I have seen the end of the world coming for sure.

My baby is worth more than that, but do I peddle her ass to the news media for money? No, I keep it private and in my house, where that shit belongs. This dumb douchebag bitch mommy goes out and puts out statements about how her ho'bag daughter is working hard on parenting. Give me a fuckin break, that biatch ain't never heard the word parenting until it was spelled out in Lamaze class. If she even had Levi attend that shit. Unbelievable country that wants to pay to see an illegitimate Alaskan malamute.

And folks wonder why the ditz mommy lost the election for McSame?

New Years Eve - The good, the bad, the fugly.

2009-01-01T11:16:00.011-05:00

Yes sir ree dee dee dee, its New Years Day and I have a major gripe a comin'. Its called the "Airing of Grievances" Or its a Seinfeld episode, I can't remember.

List of things to complain about for 2009.

1. ABC stores in Virginia suck major. I cannot find my bottle of Grand Marnier. Why? Because the damn ABC stores don't stock shit for the holidays. 3 trips, 3 stores, empty handed and pissed off and the fact it cannot be found. You folks that cook with that stuff, STOP. You deprived a man of his New Years eve drink. Its not supposed to be put in chocolate and cakes.

2. Getting a damn head bug when I want to get slammed on Grand Marnier. I woke up feeling like crap due to not being able to drink the bug out of me.

3. People stopping by with Xmas gifts on NY eve. What the fuck is up with that? You finally remembered us, or you are regifting my ass. Fruit cake, heading to the Science Center for ejection from the slingshot. Pathetic.

4. Babies that won't sleep after having a few Crown Royals. Darn, that's a hangover in the making.

5. And last but not least, wifey waking me up at 11:59 to tell me to watch a ball drop. For christ's sake, if I wanted to see the damn thing drop, I would have DVR'd the damn thing. Then pouring me sparkling cider and telling me Happy New Year when I was sleeping better than I have in days.

Oh yeah, Happy New Year. It better be better than 2008, damn markets cost me more sleep than the baby.

The Solar System of the Middlelife

2008-12-08T15:35:00.001-05:00

My brother and I were talking one day and the topic of family, which comes up fairly often, was discussed. We were talking about how there are friends, and there are Friends. I equated that to also include those in our family as well. I know everyone has the sane family out there in blogworld, but some of us ain't the Gene Simmons Family Jewels.

Ozzy and Gene. We all have fathers out there that were rock stars and made sure we had the best of the everything right? Eh, I think that happens for the 1% that may get a tax increase under Mr. Obama. But let me get back to where I have left off in my conversation about the family and friends.

It appears that we all have our own solar system. As best an analogy as I could come up with right now.

I think I was asked, "Who is in your orbit?" Then you have to think who is really in your orbit and where they are in your orbit. Think of it this way, you are the sun, the center of all life giving light to the large and small objects that rotate around you in some fashion.

Of course, in this close proximity, there is the wife with the moons. That would be your offspring from making a few collisions in the reproduction department.

Next in the line is your siblings. Some are larger than others, some are smaller than others. Some go and flat out wobble from size, but thats probably from having too many asteroids and Happy Martian Meals.

As well, some in your mate's orbit get somewhat closer to the sun, when they need it. In most cases they just take the heat, or spew it out, then move on away from the sun.

And also included in the solar system, somewhere hovering around out there, are the "comets" in your life. You know the one's that pop up every so often, maybe after a few months, sometimes its a few years. You see them coming sometimes, and sometimes, they just pop up and get discovered because someone else looked to see them or they slap you on the head. They burn bright and then they fade out. With comets, you never seem to know when they will make a direct hit into the sun, to be burned to a gaseous mass, or slingshot around and scoot away as fast as they can.

Then there are the Black Holes. Friends, acquaintances, people you pass in everyday running around. The drop into that category in your mind. The one's you just flat out forget or reject. Or they are the type of Black Hole that sucks the light out of you and you wish would collapse on itself. They include the extended family sometimes that make your life a living hell when it suits them.

This solar system grows and contracts. All depends whether you want to shed any light on the planets and objects that come close to make them come in, or burn out in the orbit. I wish somedays it would all just stop spinning.

Part 2: Air Conditioning, the silent killer.

2008-09-09T22:39:00.005-04:00

In the last installment of The Middlelife, I found out something so horrific and disturbing, that after I woke up from passing out, I was hardly able to breathe.

Wally and Bubba finally stood over me long enough that the BO finally brought me back. I came too wondering if I had a dream, or did I hear them correctly. The news was staggering. I had mold in my air handler. MOLD, the green fungi that makes mothers with a newborn coming go absolutely apeshit with fear.

But that was not the news that made me passout. It was the price tag that they wanted to smack me with that caused the light headedness and eventual pass out on the asphalt driveway. Bubba stood there and without a wince or delay, told me that if I wanted it repaired, that I would have to fork over $2,200.00 right then and there.

$2,200.00 in one fell swoop, the pain of having too much hot air, is an expensive proposition to repair. But, as it is, I had no choice. It had to be done and it had to be done now.

That's when Bubba and Wally let me have the "real" news that was even more shocking and worthy of another pass out attack. Other than the BO which kept me somewhat awake, the news sent me into another tailspin. This time, it would require and armpit on the nose to wake me up.

The news was so shocking and awful, that it can hardly be put into words. I will reveal all in the next installment, Part 3: The pain of a 95 degree day.

Air Conditioning - You want it cool in your house? Part 1

2008-09-02T21:26:00.014-04:00

It started on a Friday afternoon. "Its starting to feel warm in here," says Mrs Middle.

I look at the thermostat, its saying 78. That's not good.

I keep it on 75, and the heat pump has been running for hours the digital thermostat reports.

Time to bend over and have to call the HVAC Gestapo. Yes, they are the Gestapo in my world. Instead of physical torture, you get an idiot with a bottle of Freon torture instead and a pain in your ass from having less cash to cushion in your wallet.

I am sure all of you know what I am talking about and maybe had the experience of the HVAC repairman. Here's Johnny on the spot with an IQ of 98 to tell ya that your system is shot. Repair you ask? They don't repair these things anymore you foolish people, they only "Sell" new systems.

I make the first call to get someone to come and fill me with some Freon since I know its a leak in the system.

So I dial 1-800-ben-dovr, its ringing and within seconds, they answer.

Middle: "Hello, I have a problem with an air conditioner in my house."

Bendovr: "Sure you do, that's why you called when its almost 100 outside, everyone has a problem when its that hot. So whats your address?"

Middle: I give him the address, and ask, "So when can someone show up to repair it?"

Bendovr: "Well its not going to be today, you may get lucky and somehow we manage to get to you in the next few days."

Middle: "Wow, I can't go that long, I got a pregnant wife about to pop. I guess I could call someone else to ream me, you don't mind do you?"

Bendovr: "Heck no, your probably gonna get screwed by whoever comes over and we are raping plenty of folks right now. You go ahead and call someone else to come over and pound your backside."

At this point, I know I am hosed, they are laughing at me and telling me that I am at their mercy. And of course, I am. Wife is about to pop a baby out and that means A/C works or I go through more hormonal drama.

Day 2

After calling 23 companies and begging them to come and offering my next born as a downpayment, I got one to show up.

Bubba and Wally get out the truck with all the looks of a professional couple of HVAC guys. Bubba has his pants down to see his ass crack perfectly, and Wally needs a bath after the 3 day binge he is apparently trying get off.

They walk around to the back and of the house, get the gauges out and start taking apart my Heat pump. I walk out with a cup of coffee and try to talk to the boys, you know, that how you doing and please don't screw me too much on this type of talk. I immediately bring up the Nascar race coming to town since all these guys love that sport I'm sure.

Bubba and Wally start the fight over who is the better driver and all that when I had to butt in and ask, "So what are you seeing with gauges?"

Now of course, Wally, the Freon bottle boy, is going to tell me that its more than that, its unrepairable of course. I expect the worst, because the way things have gone this year, its got to be the worst.

Looks like I am going to get the good HVAC guy, bad HVAC guy, routine. This is when one tells you that its shot, the other says it could be repaired but its gonna cost about as much as the new unit. This of course is to make you decide that a new is better than the old one, since its going to cost as much to fix it.

What came out next was so shocking and crazy that I had to sit down and catch my breath.

I will reveal the shocking and horrific tale in Part 2: Air Conditioning , the silent killer....

Jamie Lynn Spears = Another great mother to be?

2008-06-19T23:40:00.005-04:00

I have seen it all and I ain't even 50 yet.

I read the headline, Friends and Family: Jamie Lynn Will Be a 'Great Mom'.

You gotta be fuckin kidding me. This little girl is 17 and her family and friends think she will be a great mom, after what, watching older sis do it?
Note to self: Everything big sis did with the kids, do not do in public.

One of her family commented that having young at her age is what grandmothers are for. What the hell does that mean? In Lusianna, its proper to have a kid and be a teen? Yepper, that old grandma gets the shaft down there, kick momma out the way, its granny time!

That was my laugh for the day.

My day at the Division of Motor Vehicles

2008-05-29T16:30:00.000-04:00

The timing was short and the trip was long my friends.....

I had to visit the dreaded DMV for my 5 year renewal service trip. I say service, due to the fact they certified I could read the top line of the "Vision" chart, and they made sure I could detect blinking lights in my peripheral vision.

In Virginia, they have closed several of the DMV offices in order to save taxpayers for the convenience of many local small offices and consolidated into a couple of large, 25 booth teller, roll in, roll out, service centers with a Drive-Thru. That would be great if you could roll in and roll out for a license renewal, but that would be too easy for terrorists I found out.

I finally found my "designated" DMV local office about 8 miles away. I guess its worth $4.09 a gallon in a vehicle that gets around 15 mpg in town to keep that license. Plus I needed to get a new picture anyway. I have been renewing online with the last one I had taken at 30. Hard to want to give that one up. I looked so young and thinking that I had a whole life ahead of me.
I drove in and parked in the front row, a nice sign I thought. This is a slow day, this will be super easy to get done in 15 minutes or less. I got out and walked in the front door.

A big sign tells me to "Check in" for information before going anywhere else. Being a Borg, I follow the sign and get to a desk with a young lady that asks me what I am here for?

"License renewal", I flash the ready paperwork in hand to let her know that I am ready for my picture and where do I give them the $20.00 renewal fee?
I get handed a pulldown like at the meat counter ticket that is auto printed as she pulls it off.
I get A017. I figured with a A and a zero, had to be next in line. I see there are only about 10 people there waiting in chairs lined up in front of the DMV Money Takers desks.

That's when I start looking over the row of about 25 stalls of money handlers for the DMV. I spotted about 20 people behind them, figure that many state employees working, I'll be out in 10 minutes or my pizza is free?

That's when I noticed the average state employee doing his or her job. That seemed to entail doing your makeup for about 15 minutes and gabbing with your stall neighbor to talk about whatever you felt like. Then there was the sports cooler talk going with the male employees. Looked pretty serious, they did not want to be disturbed. They kept doing the look over type move where they look around you, but don't actually make eye contact with anyone. This is to let you know that they know you are there, but you are still not going to make them break up the talk over the latest ball scores from last night yet.

So in total, there are 25 stalls, for the state to take your money to give you the privilege to drive, and you have the privilege of forking over an Jackson for this right. Of these, only 3 are actually open. Yes, three. A whopping 3 out of 25 with 25 employees at them manned to take it, but decided its break time 30 minutes after opening today.

After 20 minutes of watching this great waste of our taxpayers money and thinking, who got hosed in this deal? The state? or me? I have to drive 5 miles farther now, and they make me wait longer with a larger staff. Hmmm, I think I got hosed here.

Finally my "ticket" got called and I was the lucky recipient on window number 24. I get to fork over my $20.00 and, do my eye test, and get my next stop in line, the photo shoot.

At the photo aisle is where the sports and car crowd are talking about the upcoming Nascar race here in Richmond. They are engrossed with how they will tailgate for 2 days and bragging about how much beer they plan they will engorge themselves on for the duration from what I hear. I am waiting, of course, as the only one in that line. I get the look over once and back to chatting they go. I guess I was expected to wait until they had the conversation come to an end. Finally, the old guy that is probably the ex-military guy from what I gathered comes up and says, Next? I pop up and look around and point to myself and say, Me?

Tada, I am ready for my headshot. He tells me to take my seat over here and look at the dot. I sit and look at the dot. He tells me its okay to smile or not, my choice. Gee, I am glad they let me have some decision about how I look. I give it the ol'CHEESE smile. I hear the click of the digital and he tells me to go over there and sit until its ready. Now I assume, since the guy works here, he knows this takes about 30-45 seconds for this to print out spit out on the machine.

Of course, he walks off at this point and decides its another rest period, he did a whole 1 minute of work, now to take the 2 minute break. So he walks off and I sit there across the table from the machine. About 45 seconds, ka-ching, out spits my license. Now I could reach over and grab it at this point since its just over a bar to get it. But I sit and wait.
And wait.
And wait.
After about 5 minutes I get a little annoyed. Its there, and I am sitting here, but my DMV master is gone with no sign of return. I am starting to get a little anxious at this point. I start to think how to take it and just walk out, they already have my money, I ain't stealing anything right?

Finally, a little pacific islander girl walks over to the machine. She looks at it and picks up my license. She looks out at me and motions over to me to come and get my license. I got up and leaned over to take it from her. She tells me, "You take very nice picture." I told her thanks, but it sure took along time to get.

Without a blink, she shoots back, "Sorry, I see that your old, I guess you have very little time left."

bada bing....

Okay, now I am scared....

2008-04-20T22:24:00.005-04:00

I bring up CNN.com and this is on the front page.

Be afraid, be very afraid. Both sides of the force have come together.

Live reporting from the Masters

2008-04-12T17:00:00.007-04:00

Good afternoon from the Masters Tournament. Here from Augusta, Ga., its time for another edition of the Masters.

( Its a golf tournament for those that do follow golf. Its one of those sporting events that involve a lot of walking and talking and being very quiet when someone is about to execute a golf shot. )

Now of course, I am not really at the Masters, but it sure feels like when I am watching on 47" of HD pleasure. I can hear it 5.1 surround and its the best in digital. I can hear a bird tweet, a sigh by an unhappy player, and a child scream when being dragged out of the way. Pure music for the eyes. Can anyone tell me how many shades of green are there? I think I saw all the shades known to man and my flat screen.

HD and golf, what have I been missing all these years without one? Way too much I suspect. The HD experience is transforming my opinion of the idiot box.

What you learn in 45 years and counting....

2008-04-08T17:12:00.023-04:00

I am coming up on a small milestone in my life. I have lived to 45 years of age and am confident in calling myself a Middle Lifer. At 45, you come to that realization, that life is about half over. I have not been carded on over 5 years, thats a determining factor I have realized. I have reached the look of salt and pepper, and as my son wrote in a short story for school, "my dad's shiny hair", which translated says, my salt is shinier than my pepper I guess.

Or is it?

Maybe its the latter youth part of life, you hope, but in reality for a lot of us, its probably on the downward half at best. One where you still dare your kid(s) to snow boarding and think you actually can beat them. But you lose, and your snotty little brats make fun of your old lame pathetic bag of bones.

I am at this age, and I guess, at this age, you have a few life lessons that you may want to pass on. Some things that have changed your life, and or mind about things, that have stuck with you for a long time. Or what at 45, seems like a long time at this point already.

I have decided to further the education of the young on this topic. By sharing a few life lessons with you, so that you may learn how to endure the agony of these, it may ease the situations that life throws at you during this time. I could give you the standard, "you get what you pay for" type advice here, but that would defeat the purpose of telling the truth.

Instead, I give to you, my lessons. - and this post took at least 10 minutes, so you know I thought real hard. I'm sure I burned at least 10 calories in the mental time this took.

"The top 10 Life Lessons of 2008"
by Middle Lifer

Never talk politics with your in-laws. - You will understand as you get older.
You will have imbecilic family members. - They will appear out of nowhere, and they can make you demented with them if you let them. Let them please get well soon. The rest of the family is sick of the mental and emotional drama problems. You are thankful for prescription drug companies.
Life is not fair. It will suck at times and you will wonder, why you? - Suck it up, it gets worse.
People in your family and your spouse's family will die. - Have a dark suit or dress ready and be prepared for them. Its the part of life we cannot escape.
People will get married, divorced, and be gay in your family. - That's America!
Life will have major obstacles and competitions. - Over the years, its like a roller coaster, the fun starts to wear off and you start getting annoyed with it at times.
Raising kids is a real Joy and a real Pain. - Raising another human being is pretty interesting, only for the more inclined that like surprises.
Talk as little as possible to family, about family. - Trust me on this one, the less ever said, the better.
Do not drink at family gatherings - Again, trust me on this one. Saves alot of ,"I'm so sorry" later.
And the top 10 thing to pass on in 2008, thats still unwritten. - Not sure what age I have to be to complete this sort of list, but I think I am shy of that one as of yet.

I think that aptly surmises "the must deal with problems" I have run across over these past 45 years.

But I am sure once I hit 46, I'll have all the answers, thats when the official old fart time starts.

What do you lose first, your mind or your mind?

2008-04-02T08:17:00.019-04:00

Hello there Blog Fans, I have made it back alive from DisneyWorld during a Spring Break week. Oh, the ranting I could do about this week from hell. Where to begin?

I guess lets start with the ride from the airport to the hotel at Disney. I get my first glimpse of what my hell week will be like. On the bus, it starts with a driver who wished he was a stand up comedian and some one liners that I think Henny Youngman used when he was younger. Then you get to watch the video of Disney and some of the hottest attractions. Keep in mind, this video is not for you, its for your kids. This is what starts them off on the, I WANT TO DO THAT!! rant for the rest of your stay.

You finally get to the hotel in the compound of Disney and the "magic" begins. First, its the magic of having the driver of your bus tell he accepts tips for doing what his company has been paid an exorbitant amount to do already. I just push my wife and kid past him and tell them keep marching.

Enter the Hotel - I get greeted with an Asian person telling me, "Welcome Home". When the hell did this become home? Did I win some major prize that they forgot to tell me? I asked her, "Is this place mine now?" She laughs and says no, we call it that when you arrive. I thought that was a nice joke on me, now I am depressed thinking I lost the prize to someone else.

Off to the check-in counter and up to the room. I start to unpack and get all the crap out for my week of luxury in my new "home". Problem is, I don't have cockroaches in my drawers at home, so I guess Disney felt that it would make me more at home if I did. I didn't tell Mrs. Middlelife, she would have started the we have to leave now routine, and I just didn't want to hear it. I killed it and threw it off the balcony, hope it didn't scare to many kids at the pool below.

Since we left at 7:20am on the plane, we are in Disney by 11:00am and now starting to explore the wonderful world of Disney. Off to Epcot, the walking mans nightmare park. The park is so big, that you wish that were one of the hundreds of old folks that had the electric scooter. The walking amount to get to anything there is pretty long.

Did I say old folks? Excuse me, I meant big ol'oinkers , as in fat asses, for people that should be walking to maybe lose 10lbs off that 100 that they are overweight. I don't think I have ever seen so many morbidly obese people in one gathering except at the State Fair of Va .

We stop at a place for lunch, and now I know why these people are so fat. You want a cheeseburger and fries? Nope, its a Double Burger with CHEESE and bacon, fries, and a large soda, that's standard on this menu. I guess Disney felt they had to adopt larger portions when they saw the masses that come to the parks. Desert? Standard fair, cheesecakes or chocolate something. They make sure when they take your $15 bucks for a lunch, that you are stuffed for the next 8 hours. My skinny wife is trying to figure out where to put this crap in her backpack to take back to the room. She actually thinks she can save this food for later. Little did I know how much Mrs. Middle could put in her middle when she was really hungry. I found out later at another lunch stop.

Magic Kingdom park and The Liberty Tree Inn, a nice place to eat a sit down lunch. Its in the takes a reservation to have the nice experience of eating in the Inn like Dolly Madison worked in. I look at the menu and the first thing they recommend is a pot roast plate. I am not fond of pot roast in general, but Mrs. Middle loves that crap. We order it thinking that it would be probably okay. The next thing I see is this half a cow on a plate over top of a 1/2 gallon of mashed potatoes under it with some veggies. I look at this and go, You have to be kidding me, no way anyone can eat all this, what a waste to give this to someone. That was until I saw the human vacuum cleaner in action. Mrs. Middle went to that like pigs to slop. And did I say the desert was also inhaled by her? Truly amazing to see a 110lb woman inhale food like it was the last supper.

My son, the 65lb skinny kid that he is, as usual, gives us the standard, I am not hungry! That was until he saw deserts come with these prepaid Dining plans. Then all of a sudden its pick at that lunch and dinner then show me the deserts boy. Calories galore poured into him that week, I am sure his dentist is going to love me with the cavities that I am sure got started with all those sugar sweets.

But I think my biggest complaint award goes to the Stroller Army. They own the place and made sure you damn well knew it. I even saw people with a stroller and no kids! Why you may ask would they be such a pest and nuisance? AS I found out, those with strollers own the roads, walkways, sidewalks, and anything else that 4 wheels roll on. As well as being able to jump to the front of the line for any show they wanted to attend. You could see them move through a crowd when you're stuck and can't walk anywhere, they push their way through and all the time yelling, child here, move it please. Then you get hit in the ankles and shin from behind with that damn thing and your first instinct is to whack someone, HARD.

What a week from hell. A screaming kid, a wife losing it when you don't stop at every Disney store on the properties. Why did I do this? Because I just love my family so much that I will endure this so I can take a week at Pinehurst later this summer, my reward.

DisneyWorld - Somebody Whack that Mouse!

2008-03-18T08:20:00.015-04:00

Its off to see the Mouse. THE MOUSE! Not any ordinary mouse, the mouse that strikes fear into every parent. The one that makes you cringe and hide from your kids. That MOUSE!

You wonder why I say that? Because this mouse is the only mouse that sets you up to part with several thousands of dollars of cheese! I dare say, this mouse eats off a gold platter, and has the best french cheese money can buy for the price to walk around his royal tail.

You parents know what mouse this is, the dreaded, the one, the only, Disney World mouse. Every parent lives in constant fear after their kids start school. Knowing one day the children will come home and ask the question, "When are we going to DisneyWorld? Kim and Jim went and they had a blast!" That question, strikes total fear in every parent. Why would it strike fear? Only if single people knew. The ass raping you will take at the House of Mouse is enough to make you run and hide and hope your children never hear of it.

It starts innocently enough, you think to yourself, "How much could it be, really? I mean its just an amusement park right?" Then you make the mistake of telling your little munchkins, sure we'll go sometime, maybe for spring break one year. Mistake No. 1.

Well, you start checking into the offers of going to this little place in the swamp. You think, how bad can a swamp park be? Heck its Florida, land of the decrepit and senile, they don't pay taxes and they sure as hell don't have car insurance. So Disney must be fairly cheap, like the early bird special at Denny's right? Mistake No. 2.

You type in a google search - Disney vacations - , and voila, tons of listings for that crap. You think, with all these listings, it will be easy to jew somebody down when you get them on the phone and tell them that you have a small family, just 3, and I'll be requiring the best of everything, but I don't pay for it like a Hilton. Mistake No. 3.

Now you are primed, you see some of the attractions and think to yourself, I wouldn't pay much for that, it seems kinda lame. Pirates of the Caribbean, oh yeah, Johnny Dipwad was in that movie, looked silly enough, must be another cheap copy ride for kids to splash some water on each other. Magic Mountain? Must be some silly lit up crap under the stars and some guy waves a wand as they start the ride? Blizzard Beach? I guess any reason to get wet in 90+ degree weather. Maybe it makes the Polar Bear Club come on down and want to get in?
Tower of Terror? Hmmm, must be some lame attempt at a haunted mansion thingy. They probably get dressed up a little better than most lame parks? Mistake No. 4

As you have noticed, I put a mistake number after each one of these so that you all get the point, that when wrong, it costs a lot. Like voting for the wrong presidential candidate, you will get screwed for much longer than you ever thought possible and it will hurt much worse.

Mistake No. 1. - Never ever tell your kids your going. Tell them the place burned down last week, too bad, they missed it. You will thank me later for this excuse.

Mistake No. 2. - Plan on refinancing your house. The cost of this will set you back like an around the world trip in 1st class on the Titanic. When your eating that $20 cheeseburger that has no condiments, other than that fucking mouses thrown away cheese that was to cheap for him to eat, you will understand the true meaning of getting ass fucked.

Mistake No. 3. - If the word Disney is attached in any way, shape or form, you will be automatically surcharged for that experience and luxury of using the word "Disney."

Mistake No. 4 - All rides, big or small, have more ways to make you wait in a 3 hour line than any other thing you have stood in line for before. Your kids will want to do it, no matter how long the line is. After smelling the German and French line cohorts that did not bother to use the soap in the shower, if they know what one is, you will gladly go on to any ride to eliminate the smell of that BO from your nostrils. Also, the sun will beat you unmercifully during that time in line. Be prepared to pass out atleast twice while waiting for "Its a Small World" and having that annoying song stuck in your head for a week.

I warn all parents with small children from here out, remove the Disney Channel from your TV! Do not let the little curtain climbers hear of it, and if they do, tell them it was when you were a kid, and the place shutdown due to terrorist problems. People were getting blown up in the Castle. Oh yeah, Cinderella divorced Prince Charming and screwed him out of 48 million, so he sold the place too.

Helping a Single Mother - Deadman Walking....

2008-03-02T11:44:00.017-05:00

I, being such a nice guy in general, told a friend of my wife's, that if she needed any help around her house, that she could call me to lend a hand on the fix-it stuff. She is a single mom, 1 kid, and ex-hubby lives in a van down by the river.

Now, I have offered to help these poor women out, since they are all thumbs and usually get ripped a new one by the "contractor" buddy that comes out and tells them the $50 fix is going to be over $1000.00.

Well, this is where I never do this again. Why you may ask? I have been raped, pillaged, and plundered by this one "divorced" broad so bad, that I can understand why "hubby" hauled ass and has not been seen since.

It all starts out nice enough, she calls and has a problem with her windows. Windows I say? Whats wrong with them? She tells me that they are leaking and the door has a gap at the bottom and the drafts are terrrible and her electric bill is through the roof.

I mention to her about this neat little store called "Home Depot", they sell all that weatherstripping crap that blocks up the drafts. That does not faze her in asking me to get it and come over to fix her shit. I, being to damn nice, say "Fine, I'll stop by and see what I can do to button those things up for you."

So I drive over and look at the windows that she says are leaking badly. Freaking amazing, the non-blonde has the windows down on the top about 3 inches and is too stupid to push the window up. SO I close them! Amazing, leak be gone!

Next up for this ditz, the door. Leak she says on the door? No its the storm door and its rotting out of the frame and wants me to buy and replace it for her. I tell her get screwed on that one, I ain't buying you the $240.00 door and replace it, shut your front door and there is no leak fool.

Now most women might have taken the hint she is pissing me off with this stupid shit. Oh no, not this one. Next, "I need my water filters replaced too!" She CAN find Home Depot and buy those and has them waiting on the table for my ass to unscrew the damn things and put the new ones in for her faucet and shower. I asked her how she got them changed before? Doing what you are doing now, she says. This is when I get the feeling this biatch is just wasting my time and really looking to piss me off. I hurry and do it and then say Sayonara to her lazy ass.

A couple weeks go by and she calls me about a leak in her toilet. Yours truly grabs the phone book and gives her (3) phone numbers of paid plumbers to call and have them look at it.

Another week goes by and she calls complaining about how they want to take up the floor in her bathroom and the whole thing is going to cost $2000.00 to do all this work. CRY, CRY, CRY. It gets better, she calls her insurance company, files a claim, and those dumbasses actually cut her a check for $1400.00!

You think that would have taken care of this whining pain in the ass broad. OH NO>>>>>> she calls me wanting me to "look" it over before any contractor does anything. Since my son and her son are classmates, I told her I would come over to look it over and see what the problem really looks like.

F'n amazing, just a seal leak on the toilet and she has conned the insurance company to give all this cash for a $5 wax ring. I'm looking at her and saying, "What a deal, you scammed them good and get to spend the cost of a wax ring to fix this?" Lucky biatch, I wish I had thought of that one sooner!

Then she starts on me. I really want to get a new toilet put in. My mother is coming to stay for a few months and I need a higher seat for her old lame ass to sit on.

I'm stuck now, my son is playing with her kid, and I am there going, "Well, they have them all day at the HD, I guess we could go up there and pick one up since I have a truck to haul it in anyway.

SO, off we go to HD, find her a "higher toilet" and pull it off the shelf and put it my truck. Back to her house we go. I pull out the old toilet, start opening the new one when she says" That’s not high enough of a seat, you pulled the wrong one!" I measure it and tell her, "No, it’s the right one."

She begins to start whining about its not what she wanted, even though she stood right there and picked the damn thing out of the 25 they sell. So I tape it all up and back to HD I go, with her and the kids for trip No.2. We find one that sits a whole 1" higher. Whoopteefreakingdoo.

Heavier ass sucker too, off the shelf and into my truck again. Back to her house I go, get there, and unpack this monster crapper. That's when I measure it and the damn thing won't fit in the space for it, too damn big! I look at her at this point and start with the fact the other one is the "only" one that would have fit, like I had already told her. She gives me the sad face and goes, "I guess WE have to go back and get the one we just took back." NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

At this point now, I am steaming like hell. An hour drop by has turned into a 5 hour fucking HD running BS day for me. A whole day wasted on a dumb broad that thinks my ass is there for the plucking to be used like a servant boy.

We get back and I put the damn thing in and tell her to get her ass outta my way, I got things to do after this and this was not my idea of a Saturday relaxation plan.

She gives me the look of "do it and I really need you to hurry, I gotta use that thing soon."

Another 45 minutes, and tada, I am done and getting my son and my ass out the door.

On the way out the door, she has the nerve to ask me if I wanted anything for the trips to HD, the actual replacing and disposing of her old shitter and would I like a warm Root beer?

All I could think, PLEASE STAND BEHIND MY TRUCK as I back up and spin my tires over your worthless conartist ass.....never, ever again will I ever make that mistake.

Spring is almost here....

2008-02-29T22:14:00.012-05:00

I call this post, Spring is in the Air, and its smells like more crap on the way.

Spring is in the air,
and sometimes its not fair,
we get lousy choices for leaders,
with no facial hair.

We live in this country and have a moron for President,
and I don't really want the new illegal resident.

I think that Obama should win the nomination,
but Hilary won't stop with her self coronation.

Gov. Huckabee was on Saturday Night Live,
that fool was doing the shuck and jive.

The majority of this country's folks would most like to get out of Iraq,
but we can't seem to convince Bubba six-pack.

Dyckerson and company disperse comedy with posts,
I'd be glad to give them all a real roast. (The funny kind like Dean Martin used to do.)

Baseball is starting soon, as it should,
Congress keeps stalking like Darth Vader with a hood.

My car and the gas prices give me real pains,
The oil and gas guys laugh and say "I love these gains."

So now its late and I will retire,
in hopes that my prostate won't soon expire.

GW Bush makes a funny? Oh yeah, I am laughing all right.

2008-02-28T14:06:00.006-05:00

I knew GW was a major idiot, but this one takes the Darwin award for me this year. I thought I was reading the Onion, but it was CNN. Unfuckingbelievable....

Bush finds out about $4 gas forecasts

NEW YORK (CNNMoney.com) -- President Bush, saying he was unaware of predictions of $4-a-gallon gasoline in the coming months, told reporters Thursday that the best way to help Americans fend off high prices is for Congress to make his first-term tax cuts permanent.

"If you're out there wondering... what your life is going to be like, and you're looking at $4 a gallon, that's uncertain," Bush responded to a question posed at a White House news conference. "And when you couple that with the idea that... taxes may be going up in a couple years, that's double uncertainty."

Analysts have said that gasoline could reach $4 a gallon by this spring, due to strong demand and a change in formulation, among other reasons.

When taking the question about the $4 milestone, Bush told the reporter, "That's interesting. I hadn't heard that."

http://money.cnn.com/2008/02/28/news/economy/bush_energy_policy/index.htm?cnn=yes

Free Cuba - make me the next President!

2008-02-19T12:34:00.022-05:00

Well gang, it has finally happened. An opening in Cuba has come up and I think I will take that position when they decide its voting time. Fidel has decided he is to old and feeble to be a President anymore. So I have taken it upon myself to become the next "President/Dictator of Cuba".

Now, I know we have a presidential election here, but I figure Dyckerson is the shoe-in candidate and I would rather start out with something smaller. I can work up to the running of a large country after I pillage and plunder the smaller one's first.

My campaign will be large and fat, just like the Cuban people, and perfect for Middle Lifers. I will make several decrees that will ensure my winning on a very high percentage of non Cuban voters.

These are all the improvements that I will make that all Middle Lifers will want, and will also be conveniently located in Cuba, to make sure they move there in the coming months.

My list of promises as the next President of Cuba is as follows:

All Taxes will be paid by the peasants. No taxes for any Americans that move there and vote for me. This will enable all MiddleLifers to be able to afford the coconuts, cigars, banana's and Ensure that they will need at some point in the near future.
All Cuban cigars will be hand rolled by the peasants and given to all Americans that say, "Vote MiddleLifer for President", upon asking for the best cigars. Even if you don't ask, I will decree they stick one up your ass for future enema usage.
All Baseball players will be required to use steroids that move there. That will also enable them to play past their prime and make sure we all get to see them well into our 80's. I think this would also allow all of us to laugh at the Bobble Heads . Except they are life size now and fully human.
All mafia members will have "Free to Pillage Day" This will ensure that we all will get our Italian friends the right to steal your neighbors big screen TV and sell it to you for a "discount". Casinos will give free chips as to start the riot that will enable the "boys" to clean up and take all your chips after giving you a Ralphy.
No rainy days! As your new President, I will have totalitarian control over all weather patterns and make sure that all threatening hurricanes steer clear of Cuba and only hit New Orleans. Then I will make the grand and phony gesture of asking if they need our Cuban help. Of course, we as Middle Lifers will not get off our ass unless its to change the channel to avoid looking at that mess.
I will decree that on every Sunday, its "Go as you get up from bed day" to church. That means no more putting on that stuffy ass suit and tie. No more having to keep up with that rich neighbor who thinks they are better because they beat you to Target for that fancy bathrobe.
Free Depends. Yeah, you may not need them now, but you probably will later. Who knows, you may have that special Cosmonaut that you have to drive to the other side of the island to see, and you may not want to waste time finding a palm tree to use?
Final and Last perfect decree for yours truly, "Whatever you want, I'll give it to you Day!" In other words, get in line with the stack of cash, like all dictators, and I'll see what I can do about it.

Tax time is here and that means only one thing!

2008-01-11T11:23:00.002-05:00

Yes gang, the tax man cometh, or more like taketh. Its that time of year that we get to scramble to make up all those little receipts to try and prove, if audited, that we spent money on crap that we think are tax deductible.

Being as I am a sole proprietor, I get to fear the taxman more than most. I have to wonder if they will decide to tell me someday that my mileage is a farce, that my office space allotment is bullshit, and that my use of my computer for non business use, was a scam on the IRS.

These are the things that I get to worry about every year. But I have no fear, because TurboTax is here. Yes, Turbotax, the little program that gives me the "nod" to try and cheat and let me know if the IRS is going to red flag my middlelifer ass. What a great tool. It calculates my taxes then runs me through the scenario of "what the bastards will take you down for" deal. This makes me very anxious because as honest as I am, this little part of that program is the only one that matters to me.

I was going to ask Wesley Snipes CPA to do my taxes this year. He saved Wesley over 11 million in taxes for several years. Now thats the CPA I want. Until the IRS decided that guy was full of shit and now Wesley has to go to court to prove that he did not owe taxes because he did not use TurboTax. Gee, for a lousy $39.95, totally deductible too by the way, Wesley would not have to spend the thousands that he will now spend in proving he was a dupe and dumbass for not using TurboTax.

I decided there needed to be more tax deductions for truly worthy expenses that the government has deemed not worthy.

My List is as follows:

Cat food - The little buggers have to eat and it all comes from China, should be free since they will probably die from it as well.

Mexican Restaurant dining - Since I help the immigrants, I think it should be a charitable contribution.

Baseball Tickets - Supporting the American pastimes deserves the ultimate prize, write off those box seats!

Trash disposal fees - I could leave it, but I don't. For being a nice neighbor, I should be rewarded.Blog writing time - Hourly charge that should be tax deductible. Great humor like this blog should not be free!

Female Breast Enlargements - Self explanatory. It makes all men happy.

To all Bloggers in the Network

2007-12-22T20:32:00.000-05:00

Well, its the time of year that I give you the update of my family. Yep, its Christmas, and since my brother and his wife reminded me, its the time of year that I let you all know how much better my life, and family, is superior to yours.

Lets see, this year I was promoted to head of the business that I run. Which means that I made myself "Employee of the Year." Now that also means that I tell everyone to kiss my ass and that my shit is way better than yours. Obviously, that is a given, but I thought you all should be reminded of that. I have rewarded myself and family with the HD TV that I bought last month and the HD cable that goes along with it.

My wife was also named, "Hot Mommy, Greatest Housewife and Breadwinner No. 2" award. For all intensive purposes, that meant she kicked ass, brought home the bacon, and made me feel like a man more often than not. Read between the lines, she is a hot broad, and she makes this old fart very happy. Most guys look at her way too much, as I have noticed when I stay about 10' behind her in stores and check out how guys are looking at my wifes ass. Some would get upset, I get proud that she still can get the guys looking. Yep. ol' Dyckerson could only wish to smack this ass and call it his own.

My son, to be known forthwith as the "Genius", graduated from MIT this year with a P.H.D. in Bio-Molecular Science and will be heading the Federal lab and program that deals with WMD's in the Middle Eastern areas. After learning 12 languages and mastering the laws of Newton and Einstein, you would have thought that would have been enough, but no, he felt the need to join Al Gore and solve the Global Climate Change problem as well. That paper and the accompanying Nobel Peace prize is forthcoming next year. Please don't be pissed that he will be taking away your current mode of heating and cooling. He is replacing that, with large ice cubes for cooling, and whale blubber for heating. Yes, we are quite proud at what he has accomplished at the old age of 11. All of you will be bowing down to him and kissing his ass in the future, and paying the royalties for these inventions, making him the richest person in the world past Bill Gates and Warren Buffett.

Our two (2) astronaut feline animals, known on earth as cats, just got back from the space station last week. You all will see them in the news and call them as they are now known, Puke the Master, and Hurl the Grasper. These two fine genetically altered, by our son of course, felines have been awarded the PETA awards for safe and needed destruction of rodent and germ carrying vermin. After numerous experiments they designed, they discovered the way to eliminate vermin to help all mankind to prevail in the 21st century. Performing various studies for months, they have conceived and built the "better mouse trap". They eat the mouse after tenderizing them with mostly feline saliva that again, was genetically altered by our son. Which also means that all you makeup wearing broads should be happy that they will make it easier to test your shit on animals and not feel that you helped whack a bunch of monkeys or rabbits.

Now that you all have been made abreast of how Middlelife family is improving the life of the next generations, I would appreciate donations in the sum of about $10,000,000 to help fund the next generation of Middlelifers. This would be used to attempt to keep on trying to save all your worthless and probably not very worthy asses. But at least they could play the lottery and win the Powerball with the odds that you help finance them with. Our grandkids will need the financing as well to ensure they are able to buy all politicians to make these dreams come true.

Thank you and Merry Christmas.

The most Hated Blonde in the World, atleast mine.

2007-12-01T19:30:00.001-05:00

I was unfortunate to read about a truly ignorant and otherwise useless broad this week, again, since she can't seem to go away. Like so many that are truly awful people, she takes the prize for getting under my skin one too many times this week, or this year, or for that matter, many years now. I'm all for free speech, but silence is golden when she shuts up.

You know her from her books.

You know her from her comments about anyone and everyone that thinks different.

You know her from her Adams apple that lead many to believe she was a man.

She is the most awful hatemonger and political idiot that ever was published by idiotic book publishers.

She is on the list for most likely to get a date rape drug in her drink, then forgotten about and left at the bar.

She is the She Devil of the South.

She is a chicken shit that calls the police when someone tells her what she tells everyone else.

Her and Rush Limbaugh probably share the same drug dealer.

You know her, you loath her, and you probably would like to bitch slap her.

Its the Olberman Worst Person in the World, I give you -

Can you tell she pissed me off? A Merry Xmas for me would be someone taking this "thing" out and leaving her in a swamp, where the alligators probably would not like to eat her since she tastes like chicken?

HD - Thats supposed to mean High Definition right?

2007-11-12T16:35:00.002-05:00

HD in the house.....I think thats how the technophiles put it. Say it with me, HD in the houuuuuuse.

Yeah well its supposed to mean that High Definition is going to enhance my viewing experience of the idiot box called a TV.

I won an Ebay auction. Yes, I was the fool that paid some guy on Ebay over a thousand dollars and trusted someone in another state to send me a TV. Did I mention it was also "New" in the box? Oh yes, I scored the major appliance of our lifetimes, other than an I-Phone.

The I-Phone as I see it, cost way more per viewing inch. So I opted for the cheap Middle life plan of cost equations for self assurance that I was doing the right thing in buying the TV instead. I know, you can't watch You Tube on it, I can't talk to Bangladesh on it, and I can't take your picture of you bent over showing your crack on it.

But I can finally make out the tattoo's of all the NFL felons on it just great. I'll now be able to describe in great detail, Pacman Jones the next time I am at a strip club, the exact location and where that tattoo is in a lineup. And that made it all worthwhile. Did I also mention the great HD programming you get other than football?

I can now watch the polar ice caps in great detail melt away from using the car last week. That in itself was very worthwhile to get it.

Then there is A&E, the Alienated and Emotional Channel. Now I get to watch reruns of Cagney and Lacey and see the tears come off an old broads face when she has to give up her badge.

The Sopranos are on that as well, what a beautiful sight to see Ralphie get choked, snot and blood gushing, like your there in person to see it.

Other channels that you can't ignore once you become an HD addict, as I now see myself, ESPN, Pay for View channels, and the one that is most precious to me, THE GOLF CHANNEL. Yes I can now see womans golf in all its fat ass glory. This alone should make all the women golfer's out there go in an immediate bulimic fit. If they only knew that the camera does put 10 lbs, or should I say 100 lbs for these man-women, then they would understand the immediate need to lose that fat arse. Its not a pretty site to see one of them bend over and all you see on 47" of screen, is one whale of a tail.

Did I mention it was in HD too? Life is great, as long I avoid channel 264.

I'm going to be RICH baby!!!!

2007-10-20T09:06:00.000-04:00

I love email, its the only way I know that's going to make me a ton of money without actually lifting my dead ass out of a chair. I have been made the official heir to millions of dollars just for having an email account. With this power that I have with email, I can now enlighten the world with my good fortunes.

Check this out:

Dear Beloved,

My name is Mrs Teressa Sutton, a Briton by origin, but married to an American, Mr James Sutton who was murdered by unknown assailants last year in Wales. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 15 million dollars, this fund(fifteen million dollars) is in a bank here in Europe.Presently this money is still with the Financial Institution.Recently, my Doctor told me that I might not last for the next eight months due to an inflammation of my liver. This has led to my being on 24 hours intensive care,in a private clinic here in England. I have decided to donate this fund to an individual, group or a charity organization that will use this fund for orphanages,widows, and helping land mine victims worldwide. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money.

You can reach my lawyer (Barrister Stefan Repede Esq) with this specified email address: Email:stefanrepede_bar20074@yahoo.com.hk Tell him that I have WILLED 15 million dollars to you by quoting my personal reference number:Law/chamber/solicitors/te/sut/WILL/9834520012.
I have notified him that I am WILLING this amount to you for charity purpose.
My lawyer would be waiting to receive your reply.

Remain blessed. Your Sister, Mrs.Teressa Sutton.

I couldn't respond fast enough to this one, with Xmas coming and I really did want to get a big flat panel this year. I quickly logged into my yahoo account so there would be no problems with email. I wanted to show them I Yahoo too. My response was quick and to the point:

Dear Mrs. Sutton., I will gladly take the 15 Million off your dying hands. I need to have some pin money for Xmas so your's will do quite nicely. I may even help a widow or orphan as well by throwing some money in the bell ringer bucket this year. If you could die a little faster, that would also help. Can you please tell me where I can find you so I can help facilitate that for you?
Thank you for your money,
Mr. MiddleLife

I am anxiously waiting on this reply, when I get the 15 million, I'll be sure to pass some around. And if any of you get this email from her, you better delete it, I was here first. Oh the dreams that I have that will be fulfilled with wads of cash...

Music died and I went to hell?

2007-10-17T08:37:00.001-04:00

A rambling rant here. I keep seeing on CNN over and over.

Hannah Montana tickets. Going for more than RUSH, the Police, or even crappy reinvented Van Halen tickets, to the mindless little girls and boys that push and scream at the parents to buy them.

How screwed up do you have to be to pay $300+ to buy a ticket to a Disney made up attraction? The little girl is only 14 and her Daddy was Achy, Breaky, please go away after I fart, mullet head boy. I am truly perplexed at the dolts and dumbasses of the world that will pay to see the offspring of that loser. She has the same genes, she has to suck and make me want to puke as much as he did.

I guess music has truly died and I guess I need to listen to Arabian sing alongs to get it. They do nothing but mumble in some odd, strange babbling, and that's a hit record for them. I guess we will buy into any white girl that has a WASP background to shake the grip of RAP.

Speaking of RAP, I am flipping through the channels on the Digital music, trying to find my Glam Hair rock bands, and I happen upon the C-RAP music channel. Now whats bad here is my son is sitting there doing his homework, when I pause to hear this crap. Of course the first thing you get to hear on this is, "Yo bitch, put this in your ass."

And they call this music or poetic stylings of the underpriviledged youth of the ghetto? I call it absolute crap. Hence my Rap Crap mantra for that type of music. I listen to Chris Rock and enjoy his sense of humor and was shocked when he even says he can't defend this garbage anymore. "Love the rap, tired of defending it." Or so he said about 20 times, filling time on the stage of course. It's not Rap, its sex talk and foul mouth shit from a stupid ass with an IQ of about 70. Rhyme a few words in it somewhere and that makes it Rap?

Which brings me back to Hannah, the mullet head, Montana. Are we that desperate to get our kids away from rap to push this crap down their throats and determine this is good, clean, music? I want to puke even more. Gimme Billy Ray and bring back my mullet head friends? Shit, where is my gun, I have to end this nightmare....

State Fairs? Why does anyone like these things?

2007-10-04T10:50:00.000-04:00

Fall, a time of year to get in the swing and mood of the Va. State Fair. Why, you may ask, does anyone go to a state fair? It smells bad, its very cheesy, and the rides look like anyone could get whacked any minute. My kind of excitement!

I decided I would go this year and snap a few pictures of the attendee's at the fair and try to give a first hand sight and smell look of what the Va. State Fair is all about.

First the judging contests:

I figure these should make the list for the dumbest things that people will do to get judged on silly crap, or complete boredom, not sure which at this point.

Now of course, the VSF, is a wacky event like anything this state does. We have the usual pig races, horse jumping, dog races, and the most wacky judging contests you will ever see. I decide this was the silliest, The Duct Tape contest. Yes, make it with duct tape and you can win a Blue Ribbon of Stupidity from your's truly.

First place went to the Suit, yes a suit, made of duct tape. Suitable for your marriage, funeral, or whatever color your crayola is that day. Since it was reversible, another thing that all rednecks require when buying fine clothing, The Camouflage coloring was what won it for the fella. This jacket goes especially well when the hunting season is upon us.

And of course, only in VA, can you put a Pot on your son's head, sketch it and call your son a pothead and win as well:

Next we had The Table Setting Contest. Yep, set a table with a theme of some sort, and you get a ribbon for that one too. Amazingly, Curious George the Monkey won this year. Basically, get your 3 year olds toys and throw them on a table with the crap you buy at Party City and you win?

And what State Fair would be without the vegetable fat toasted fattening crap you eat? I have seen it all, anything that can be fried and skewered, that would be stuck with a stick for the less literate, is up for grabs and edible. Bananas, steak, chicken, and the show stopper this year, a freaking Oreo? Yep, screw the fact that a relatively harmless cookie, can now kill you with the 4000 calories of fried pig grease that its now cooked in.

Of course at a State Fair, you must have the energy to get around to look at all this, which is why they bring you CandyLand. Yep, you gotta have your sweets, which is why if you live in Virginia, you get this assortment of really bad Candy, like the ever popular Cigarette, don't you like the disguise of calling it candy? And there was this vegetable looking sweet, trying to get your kids to believe that candy that looks like this must be good to eat? Who wants squash candy, raise your hand!

Now to make sure that you buy the minimum amount of candy, they discourage your not buying the sugarless stuff by making you buy a pound of that crap.This, of course, is what I will be handing out to my Halloween fools that don't follow the rules mentioned in my last post. But I did find some handy teeth, I swear I saw people using them thinking that was replacement for the dentures they lost eating the squash crap.

Then the best part are the silly yet stupid carnie attractions that lame asses will pay to see that they have been taken for a few bucks. These were the best:

Then there is the infamous and always a crowd pleaser, the Demolition Derby. This where you finally get to take a load off your already sore feet from walking through all the silly and crazy judgings and get to see people take perfectly good junk yard material and turn it into even mo'better junk yard material. Scrap metal should be so lucky to get used in this way.

Of course I would be remiss if I didn't let you see what sat right next to me at this treasured and time honored redneck event. I give you Bertha 1 and Bernie 2, respectively. Bertha was deep into her funnel cake, that was one healthy eater. Of course, I think Bernie did shower last week, glad he did too, his BO helped keep the smell of burning tires down to a more healthy level.

After getting to walk through horse shit and smell the great cow crap that was around, I knew I had lived through another Virginia Day and having to throw my shoes in the trash when I got home.

Halloween - Wear a costume or I pull soup Nazi on ya! No Candy for you!

2007-09-28T16:31:00.001-04:00

Halloween, full of fun and kids dressing up trying to be cute and scary.

Not anymore. They come to your door with nothing on but a white T-Shirt and pants down below their ass and expect me to give them something. They don't even say "Trick or Treat" anymore. They just shove a Food Lion plastic bag at ya and tell you, "Gimme some candy." What the heck happened to this ghost and ghoul holiday? Well I intend to bring it back they way it was meant to be, mean and spiteful, and to make myself laugh at dolts that don't work the system correctly.

Now since I am in the middle of life, I have seen the disregard of our youth today with the attitude of give me the candy asshole or I scratch your car on my way past it to the next house. Sad, sad, sad. I have decided this year is the year I play Soup Nazi on them.

Here is how I see it going from now on at my house. I will wait for the ding-dong of my doorbell. I will then look out the window. If I see no costume, I will open the door and scream at them, NO CANDY FOR YOU!

I figure this will make most of the derelicts get off my porch and scare the hell outta them. But for the hard core teenagers that are way past the prime of trick or retreating, I doubt this will scare them off. But for the not so inclined, I have decided on Step 2.

This will encompass having the 2nd floor window open and ready to throw water balloons on the unsuspecting idiots that make the mistake of not wearing a costume to my house. I figure the next house they visit, they can say they are a house fire evacuee and that may gain them sympathy from one of the neighbors. I think I will have my video camera setup as well to film the actual idiots getting smacked with balloons. I figure this will make for great YouTube video moments in history.

Then for those that still don't have the intelligence to run away, I will move on to Step 3.

Enter the noise poppers, the kind that go "pop" when you throw them at the ground along with a couple of rubber snakes. My excuse to the cops will be I was shooting the snakes these fools threw at me! This should make for great fun at the expense of the unsuspecting idiots.

May they learn a lesson, just cause I ain't as young doesn't mean its not a hoot and holiday for me too! Oh to be a TP'ing, egging, fool on Halloween, the memories.....hehehhe

Telemarketers, they think they won? I don't think so...

2007-09-24T10:52:00.001-04:00

I knew it would happen someday, the phone would start ringing again with those non-English speaking telemarketers. It was only a matter of time they would find another way around the DO NOT CALL ME! List.

I have decided to screw with one of them since they call about once a month, and now I figure that I will talk with them every time, it must add to the totals on the "Talk too's list", so I figure someone in India or Pakistan gets another falafel or extra bowl of Dahl when they make a nice total everyday.

It always starts out with the usual greeting, "Is this Mr. MiddleLife?" Of course they always studder and have one hell of a time getting the "dd" part out of their mouths. Must be a real pain in the ass for them to call someone with more than a one syllable name. They, of course, screw it up and I have no problem yelling back in the phone the correct pronunciation so as to make them feel like they flunked their English accent class.

The first time this scum called, they ask "You have a mortgage on your house?" I was stupid in answering "yes" the first time. Then in that Punjab dialect, they start spitting out how they can "help" me.

They immediately ask the proverbial question on the sheet in front of them, translated to whatever country they are calling, "What is your interest rate on your mortgage?" Now that's when it raises the hair on my ass, since when the hell is that any of your business?, I asked the brownie.

He then responds, "How can I help you if you don't tell me?" Then I get majorly pissed and tell him, "Who the hell called who, nimrod? I don't recall asking your foreign ass for any help and why the shit are you calling me? I am on the Do Not Call List, why are you calling me when I am on that list? The dumb bastard actually had the nerve to tell me, "The Do Not Call List does not work."

That's when I responded with, "Well, I know what does." CLICK, buh bye dipshit....

Now you think that would stop these weenies from calling me when I hang up on them right? Hell no, they just wait a few days and call again. I guess my number gets recycled through the endless procession of new recruits of these buttheads.

Call No.2 - I see on Caller ID they have now blocked the phone number from the last place and replaced it with a 800 number, I guess they figure you may think you won some lottery, so you're sure to answer.

Again, I pick it up and say my usual, "Waassssupppp?"

Telemarketing Beggar - Hello, is Mr. Middlelife in?

MiddleLifer - Again, the same stuttering dumb ass is calling. I say sure, you're talking to him. He immediately asks me what my interest rate on my mortgage is? Again, I respond with that's none of your business.

Telemarketing Beggar - Again he responds with, "How can I help you if you won't tell me?"

MiddleLifer - This time, I just tell him point blank, I have no mortgage!

Telemarketing Beggar - He really sputters, never expecting that answer from an American and its definitely not on his response sheet. So this time, he just responds back, you have no mortgage at your current address?

MiddleLifer - I defiantly respond, "That's right punjab, I paid for my shit a long time ago, don't need any rupees today!" And then the CLICK.

Call No.3 - Well they did it again a week later, again a new number on Caller ID. They must have moved to California, the whole tribe, they got Ca. phone numbers now. At first I thought it was my brother in San Diego, so without hesitation I pick it up and say my usual, Wasssuppp? Damn, its the Indian again.

Telemarketing Beggar - Again, the $64,000 question, "What is your mortgage rate sir?"

Thats when I get fed up and decide I will make this guys day.

MiddleLifer - "Man, it like really high, like over 15% and I think I am going in to default and I really need your help."

Telemarketing Beggar - He asks me,"What do you do for a for a living?"

MiddleLifer - I told him that I clean windshields on the corner of Broad and Libbie and it really has not paid off to well. I spent all my money from a week of washing to bail myself out last time when the cops picked me up and charged me with being a vagrant.

Telemarketing Beggar - "Uh, did you say you went to jail?"

MiddleLifer - "Yeah, and I think I may want to kill myself now, would you mind holding on while I get the gun? I want to make sure someone hears the scream before I pull the trigger."

Telemarketing Beggar - CLICK!

I have spent hours calling him back to bug the crap outta him to sell him Life insurance. Smart mortgage boy, must have caller ID, he won't answer.

Shopping carts Kill! - More like, they will if I get hold of it on your Ass!

2007-09-22T23:38:00.000-04:00

Not really, but they annoy the hell outta me. Not even the cart, the lame asses that won't put them back. I have endured 2 great dipshits this past month. I decided its a contest to share my encounters of the lazy and stupid since one of them will have to win the "Supreme Shopping Cart Lazy Ass" award for the month.

Let's start by introducing our contestants for this month:

Contestant No.1 SnottyMommy - aka, " Screw you, I AM Special" damn if she doesn't actually exists!

Contestant No 2. "I'm Lazy as Shit" - aka, You expect me to walk it back and put in a cart area? Dream the freakin dream moron....where's my Diet Coke?

Let me start with No.2, she was the most annoying, and yeah, she had on the sin of spandex on and a fat ass. She looked like this guy, but I swear I think she was female, although it was hard to tell, the beard was about the same.

I encountered "it" on my run to my local area Food Lion for a 6 pack of Corona. Not that light crap, the real Corona Extra - meaning I have to piss more often and extra urgently.

I trot back to my car, nobody wants a Corona hot and my limes are cold too, and notice "it" putting his/her groceries in the car parked opposite me. I have to watch, since I am such a people person. Muwhaahaahaa...

I notice she is looking around like she is lost, and the cart barn is right next to her car, and opposite mine. I think to myself, surely this "lady", "Ms. Lazy as Shit" as I affectionately think of her now, is going to put the cart in the barn and not think about harming my Lexus. Yeah, I am a bigoty, anal, middle life white dude I guess. But you're allowed when you approach Middle Life. At least I say so in my senility laced mind.

So I start my car and figure I'll wait until "Lazy Ass" puts her crap in the trunk and pull out, then I don't have to back out, me being careful not to back into anyone of course, and drive straight on through the parking space and out I go.

Here is where she earns her name and contestant No. 2 status. She looks over the cart barn, I guess thinking is that where they go? BUT NOOOOOOOO, she just decides to push the cart AWAY from her Mustang rag mobile and hops in her car. You know, the sort of push you give a kid when he annoys the hell out of ya.

Of course the cart is in the line of fire for me to go on through the "lane" and the path of least resistance and one less shifting of my luxury transmission. That is how she earned her title to me, Lazy as Shit. Walking the extra 10 steps and putting where it would not inconvenience me, or anyone else for that matter, not happening. And god forbid she walk off that Family size bag of Dorito's.

Next, we have contestant, No. 1 - SnottyMommy - aka "I am an uppity, snobbie, better than you bitch! and I don't care." I ain't getting my hands dirty on that thing!

Amazingly enough, I actually went with the wifey to the local Sam's Club. You know the place, everyone is thinking they are getting a bargain, making the Chinese Wingding's family rich from my last post, and you have to be a member. He said "member"(Beavis and Butthead).....ahehehehehe.

Anyway, we leave there and drive over to Party City. I know you're thinking, whats so wrong with a store named Party City? Well first it ain't no kinda of Party and it ain't no city. Its a dumpy little five and dime store that us cheap folks go to get crap for our goofy outings....in other words, we don't spend much on crap that gets thrown into a trash can anyway.

Sitting in the car waiting for wifey to go get $10 back on some overpriced crap toy they marked on sale 2 days after she bought it, when I see her, SnottyMommy walking out with her bratty little blonde 3 year old in tow.
I know, I am supposed to be PC and say how cute and all that, but the broad was still holding on the birth weight gain and was a dyed streaked out blondie, and had more gold on her than Mr. T or 50 cent. - another wanna be rap crapper for you older folks.

She opens the back of her Honda SUV and stuffs the kid in and throws whatever she got at Party City in with him. She then comes around, still pushing the cart of course, and parks it beside her door. She lifts her $500 handbag out, no way she was carrying it the 4 feet from front to back, and gets in her car.

That's when it struck me, this snotty bee-otch is leaving that cart right there in front of my car! That's when she notices me, and then makes some phony ass attempt to look in the back and pretend that she doesn't see me. I gave her the stare.

The 40 yarder, the one that scares the hell outta my son, and I just fixate on her glammy face. She keeps pretending to be messing with the rugrat in the back and won't look at me, I guess she figures I'll leave first and she'll be in the clear on her getaway.

At about that same time, here comes wifey to rave about getting her $10.50 back and is now probably thinking where she can spend that saved money, when I inform her of contestant No.1 in front of our car. I quickly tell her the story and she is as incredulous as me that SnottyMommy is going to leave the cart in the lot.

Mrs. Wifey gets upset and points at the cart and SnottyMommy like, "You are going move that right?" SnottyMommy gives wifey a "bite me and I don't see you look."
I started to laugh a little since this is a woman on woman thing I guess. Wifey starts her rant, "How dare she look at me like that, I'll get out and bitch slap her!" A side of the wifey I must say I enjoyed. I knew there was a reason I married my little gal. Something about that southern redneck side of her actually gets me excited, I know she could whup Mrs. SnottyMommy's ass. Nothing like a good cat fight.

I think both of these 2 contestants (useless buttheads) should win the prize of getting steamrolled by a massive cart, making sure all 4 wheels, even the one that rolls sideways and fights you all the way down an aisle, hit them several times over the head. The size of the cart below should be used, to inflict maximum squeezing of these two zits.

You tell me who should win the prestigious and coveted award of having me use the cart on them. For the gross laziness, and several dents my cars have endured over the years of carts gone amuck, the smackdown goes too?

It says Fire Lane you Fat Ass.

2007-09-22T23:33:00.000-04:00

So its Friday Night, off I go out to get my spicy Beef Broccoli and the wifey's Beef fried rice. Should be a no event type trip right? Hell no, not in this country and definitely not in VA, the southern fried home of the fat and Vicodin/Oxycontin disabled.

I get to the restaurant, Nanking, nice place, big enough parking lot to pack 52 Mack trucks. Even better, its 8:30 and the place is dead as hell, meaning I park my butt in the first row of about 6 cars, yeeha. I won't have to run far with my hot stuff and I'll be outta here quick kinda parking.

I pull up park and walk my ass up the 25' to the door and walk in. Waiter at the door, looks about 17 and very Chinese, looks at me like hope you spend lots of money, and asks, "Table for how many sir?" I start to get smart and tell him 3, me, myself and I, dipshit, how many do you see behind me, but I bust him with the, just here for a take-out order dude, sorry. Looking like he wanted to show me his best Ti-Qwan-Do Bruce Lee impersonation and obviously miffed, he walks off with his menus in hand muttering something about a deadass night.

So over to the counter I go, where the register is and the proud owner of the establishment. Of course when I called it in, he always say, "wready in 15 minute" in my best Chinese accent. Big bag on the counter, figure its gotta be mine, so I'm whipping out the wallet, thinking great, in and out, hot Chinese for Dave. So I whip out my 10% off coupon and give him the sly, "Is this still good?" Of course he says, me thinking, what a saver guy I am. Namea pwease? he asks, I tell him Dave. He looks at me and repeats my order that I called in, he says to me, itsa notta wready yet, and of course I realize the bag ain't mine, shit.

I give him $30, he gives me the change and I look at him, like how much longer WingDing? We stare for a couple of seconds, the guy looks at me with change in my hand and says, hawa a sweat at the baarr. (You know I do this with my best Chinese accent at this point right?)

Hey, they have a 52 inch plasma and the O's are playing, so what the hell. Now of course the bartender that is bored shitless waiting for anyone to come in and sit at his bar, hops on me quick, napkin on the bar and the quick "What'll you have sir?" I had to crack his world and tell him nothing dude, just waiting on my to go order.
You thought I had just given him a speeding ticket. He gives me the look of you tightwad, you got money in your hand, fork it over, I would like to see one tip tonight holding up this deadass bar. But Dave is driving so no drinkie at the bar tonight. I sit and wait, and wait, and wait....15 minutes later, tada, again in my best Chinese accent, "youra fwood isa wready sir."

So I spin around and see this sight that would scare the hell outta any man my size. A porker at the the counter, I don't mean just a little heavy, I mean this is a mammoth momma, or by the looks of her, Godzillaness mammoth, probably wishing she was a mom so she could use that for the excuse to explain the 200lb weight gain from birthing 7 kids. This big ol'fat porker broad walked in when I was sitting at the bar ordering her "to go" order. And I was thinking we must have had a 2.0 earthquake a minute earlier.

Of course I hear her saying, after looking the menu like it was the first time she ever saw it, she says, "I think I'll just have a couple of spring rolls", hesitates, and then in rapid fire, orders 3 other entree's...like she needs to eat that, the woman is +300lbs or my name ain't Dave.

Fine I'm thinkin, just what the statistics point to and say, another fat ass obese person living out their fantasy of Chinese pigout on a Friday night. Whatever makes you happy I figure, so out the door I stroll. I gotta think all that MSG, my wife the nurse, will be seeing this one soon. A cardiac waiting to happen on the way home with 2nd eggroll being inserted in that large piehole. I can only imagine the look of horror on the EMT's face when he gets told to pull her outta of the car. Oh my achin back!

I zip on around her, you know it was around her, an extra 3 steps to get around that mass, and out the door I go with my hot plastic bag in hand, thinking great, really hot Chink food, must get home quick before it cools off, make wifey happy. (Now I am thinking and talking like a Chinese in my head) Hell, she should be already, she didn't have to make shit tonight.

Step outta the door, and of course, the Godzillaness (as I see it, the name fit) fat broad has parked her car right in the front of the place in the Fire Lane. You know, the one where you're not allowed to park in, the one with the signs on the pavement and on the side saying, "FIRE LANE - NO PARKING ALLOWED". I guess nothings getting in the way of this fat ass and her spring rolls.

I thought to myself, that fat ass needs to park and get that 25' of walking in, would do her some good, and maybe help us all out by not having to take extra steps around that immobile mobile home. Wide Load may have fit comfortably on her, you know the sign they put on 18 wheelers when they haul a mobile home?

But no way Jose', she wouldn't have that, that would have meant shaking the parking lot as well I guess. What a Pigaholic, a porker that needs to get to that trough so fast that a Fire Lane ain't stopping her. So I get in my car, and of course, here comes someone else trying to drive in, with Godzillaness's car in the way now blocking him and me from getting in or out of the place.

I look at it like elevator etiquette, let me out first dipshit, so you can get in, but Godzillaness has blocked us both, so only one of us is getting out first and that's the way that goes. So out I pull, just in time to see fat ass waddling (if it looks like a duck) her big butt to get in her subcompact POS car with the 42 dents where she has apparently stumbled into one too many time, and she gives us both the look. You know, the how dare you think of hitting my POS car, I can park anywhere, fat ass an all. Plus you hit me, I'll probably put a bigger dent in your car than me look.

I give them both a nice kiss my skinny ass, I've got this hot shit on my leather seat look, so outta my way people, Dave was here first and to hell with those that came after me tonight!

Park your fat, waddling, ass in the lot like the rest of the world you porkers, you need the walking/exercise and less feeding trough time, and when the sign says "All You Can Eat Buffet" it's not an excuse to eat like a pig and think you got your monies worth, Okay?