December 14th, 2009 -Middlelife News flash: Middlelifer makes contact with a certain Eldrick Woods. We have the exclusive picture of Tiger after the "accident" and the real story leading up to the night that Tiger got whacked.
The following is an excerpt of the full interview to be published in January Mad Magazine.
Middle: So Tiger, thanks for letting me be the first to get the "straight" scoop on the real facts of the night of your accident. I see you have a couple of stitches and a nasty black eye from the horrific night. So my first question is, how are you feeling?
Tigger: Uh, I feel great dude. The pain pills do wonders for this stuff. I wish they would have let me take it during the US Open last year. Would have been much easier to beat the crap outta that Rocco? guy. He was pissing me off with dragging it out another round. I was supposed to meet skank No. 10,153 that same day, really threw me off my game when I had to delay it.
And you know how a player don't like putting off no ho's!
Middle: Okay, sure Tiger, whatever you say player. Now lets get down to it. One night your sitting around and enjoying the big ass Turkey or whatever you had that day, and then what?
Tigger: Well you know, I was sexting some of my posse, doing the usual, getting some nice pics to make me get ready for the wife, if you know what I mean, hehehehe. Well, El comes out in her normal bikini that I make her put on for me, the one she was blasted all over the web with ya know? Hey, its what rocks the Tigger, so anyway, I was getting busy with it, when another ho chimed in on the I-phone with a video. Damn, that girl was nasty!
Middle: So, Elin see's the phone and then what?
Tigger: What? Look at my eye fool! What you think happened? Bitch went Lorena Bobbitt on my ass. Ever seen a Tiger run faster than a Cheetah? You did that night if happened to drive by.
Middle: So you got in the Escalade, and then what?
Tigger: Man can that white girl get jiggy with a 3-iron. She come tossing clubs like she was trying out for the javelin throw for Sweden. She got right in the left side, left a piece of my sand wedge in my ass! Anyway, I shot out and forgot that I had taken Vicodin that night, damn if that shit don't hit ya at the wrong time. But it was great when I fell out of the car and pretended to be sleeping, my neighbors figured I just been hitting the Colt 45 and doing shots as usual.
Middle: So here we are, 14 - 15 affairs, or women, or whatever you want to count up to, where does Tigger go from here?
Tigger: I guess no one really understands the Tiger. I have goals like all sports athletes. That basketball guy, Wilt Chamberlain, says he had 20,000 women. Well, as everyone knows, I love competition, and I figured that was another one that had to fall to me. Charles Barkley said I couldn't do it, So I had to go Nike on his ass about that too.
Middle: One more before break Tiger, does Elin plan on staying around to see that outcome?
Tigger: Hold on a sec, my phone......yeah, yeah, OH SHIT! (Tiger gets up, I see Elin coming with a Big Bertha Driver, I hear him saying something about number 11,245 wanting money too..)
What happens next? My headline will be "Elin neuters a cat."
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