It says Fire Lane you Fat Ass.

So its Friday Night, off I go out to get my spicy Beef Broccoli and the wifey's Beef fried rice. Should be a no event type trip right? Hell no, not in this country and definitely not in VA, the southern fried home of the fat and Vicodin/Oxycontin disabled.

I get to the restaurant, Nanking, nice place, big enough parking lot to pack 52 Mack trucks. Even better, its 8:30 and the place is dead as hell, meaning I park my butt in the first row of about 6 cars, yeeha. I won't have to run far with my hot stuff and I'll be outta here quick kinda parking.

I pull up park and walk my ass up the 25' to the door and walk in. Waiter at the door, looks about 17 and very Chinese, looks at me like hope you spend lots of money, and asks, "Table for how many sir?" I start to get smart and tell him 3, me, myself and I, dipshit, how many do you see behind me, but I bust him with the, just here for a take-out order dude, sorry. Looking like he wanted to show me his best Ti-Qwan-Do Bruce Lee impersonation and obviously miffed, he walks off with his menus in hand muttering something about a deadass night.

So over to the counter I go, where the register is and the proud owner of the establishment. Of course when I called it in, he always say, "wready in 15 minute" in my best Chinese accent. Big bag on the counter, figure its gotta be mine, so I'm whipping out the wallet, thinking great, in and out, hot Chinese for Dave. So I whip out my 10% off coupon and give him the sly, "Is this still good?" Of course he says, me thinking, what a saver guy I am. Namea pwease? he asks, I tell him Dave. He looks at me and repeats my order that I called in, he says to me, itsa notta wready yet, and of course I realize the bag ain't mine, shit.

I give him $30, he gives me the change and I look at him, like how much longer WingDing? We stare for a couple of seconds, the guy looks at me with change in my hand and says, hawa a sweat at the baarr. (You know I do this with my best Chinese accent at this point right?)

Hey, they have a 52 inch plasma and the O's are playing, so what the hell. Now of course the bartender that is bored shitless waiting for anyone to come in and sit at his bar, hops on me quick, napkin on the bar and the quick "What'll you have sir?" I had to crack his world and tell him nothing dude, just waiting on my to go order.
You thought I had just given him a speeding ticket. He gives me the look of you tightwad, you got money in your hand, fork it over, I would like to see one tip tonight holding up this deadass bar. But Dave is driving so no drinkie at the bar tonight. I sit and wait, and wait, and wait....15 minutes later, tada, again in my best Chinese accent, "youra fwood isa wready sir."

So I spin around and see this sight that would scare the hell outta any man my size. A porker at the the counter, I don't mean just a little heavy, I mean this is a mammoth momma, or by the looks of her, Godzillaness mammoth, probably wishing she was a mom so she could use that for the excuse to explain the 200lb weight gain from birthing 7 kids. This big ol'fat porker broad walked in when I was sitting at the bar ordering her "to go" order. And I was thinking we must have had a 2.0 earthquake a minute earlier.

Of course I hear her saying, after looking the menu like it was the first time she ever saw it, she says, "I think I'll just have a couple of spring rolls", hesitates, and then in rapid fire, orders 3 other entree's...like she needs to eat that, the woman is +300lbs or my name ain't Dave.

Fine I'm thinkin, just what the statistics point to and say, another fat ass obese person living out their fantasy of Chinese pigout on a Friday night. Whatever makes you happy I figure, so out the door I stroll. I gotta think all that MSG, my wife the nurse, will be seeing this one soon. A cardiac waiting to happen on the way home with 2nd eggroll being inserted in that large piehole. I can only imagine the look of horror on the EMT's face when he gets told to pull her outta of the car. Oh my achin back!

I zip on around her, you know it was around her, an extra 3 steps to get around that mass, and out the door I go with my hot plastic bag in hand, thinking great, really hot Chink food, must get home quick before it cools off, make wifey happy. (Now I am thinking and talking like a Chinese in my head) Hell, she should be already, she didn't have to make shit tonight.

Step outta the door, and of course, the Godzillaness (as I see it, the name fit) fat broad has parked her car right in the front of the place in the Fire Lane. You know, the one where you're not allowed to park in, the one with the signs on the pavement and on the side saying, "FIRE LANE - NO PARKING ALLOWED". I guess nothings getting in the way of this fat ass and her spring rolls.

I thought to myself, that fat ass needs to park and get that 25' of walking in, would do her some good, and maybe help us all out by not having to take extra steps around that immobile mobile home. Wide Load may have fit comfortably on her, you know the sign they put on 18 wheelers when they haul a mobile home?

But no way Jose', she wouldn't have that, that would have meant shaking the parking lot as well I guess. What a Pigaholic, a porker that needs to get to that trough so fast that a Fire Lane ain't stopping her. So I get in my car, and of course, here comes someone else trying to drive in, with Godzillaness's car in the way now blocking him and me from getting in or out of the place.

I look at it like elevator etiquette, let me out first dipshit, so you can get in, but Godzillaness has blocked us both, so only one of us is getting out first and that's the way that goes. So out I pull, just in time to see fat ass waddling (if it looks like a duck) her big butt to get in her subcompact POS car with the 42 dents where she has apparently stumbled into one too many time, and she gives us both the look. You know, the how dare you think of hitting my POS car, I can park anywhere, fat ass an all. Plus you hit me, I'll probably put a bigger dent in your car than me look.

I give them both a nice kiss my skinny ass, I've got this hot shit on my leather seat look, so outta my way people, Dave was here first and to hell with those that came after me tonight!

Park your fat, waddling, ass in the lot like the rest of the world you porkers, you need the walking/exercise and less feeding trough time, and when the sign says "All You Can Eat Buffet" it's not an excuse to eat like a pig and think you got your monies worth, Okay?