Shopping carts Kill! - More like, they will if I get hold of it on your Ass!

Not really, but they annoy the hell outta me. Not even the cart, the lame asses that won't put them back. I have endured 2 great dipshits this past month. I decided its a contest to share my encounters of the lazy and stupid since one of them will have to win the "Supreme Shopping Cart Lazy Ass" award for the month.

Let's start by introducing our contestants for this month:

Contestant No.1 SnottyMommy - aka, " Screw you, I AM Special" damn if she doesn't actually exists!








Contestant No 2. "I'm Lazy as Shit" - aka, You expect me to walk it back and put in a cart area? Dream the freakin dream moron....where's my Diet Coke?

Let me start with No.2, she was the most annoying, and yeah, she had on the sin of spandex on and a fat ass. She looked like this guy, but I swear I think she was female, although it was hard to tell, the beard was about the same.

I encountered "it" on my run to my local area Food Lion for a 6 pack of Corona. Not that light crap, the real Corona Extra - meaning I have to piss more often and extra urgently.

I trot back to my car, nobody wants a Corona hot and my limes are cold too, and notice "it" putting his/her groceries in the car parked opposite me. I have to watch, since I am such a people person. Muwhaahaahaa...

I notice she is looking around like she is lost, and the cart barn is right next to her car, and opposite mine. I think to myself, surely this "lady", "Ms. Lazy as Shit" as I affectionately think of her now, is going to put the cart in the barn and not think about harming my Lexus. Yeah, I am a bigoty, anal, middle life white dude I guess. But you're allowed when you approach Middle Life. At least I say so in my senility laced mind.

So I start my car and figure I'll wait until "Lazy Ass" puts her crap in the trunk and pull out, then I don't have to back out, me being careful not to back into anyone of course, and drive straight on through the parking space and out I go.

Here is where she earns her name and contestant No. 2 status. She looks over the cart barn, I guess thinking is that where they go? BUT NOOOOOOOO, she just decides to push the cart AWAY from her Mustang rag mobile and hops in her car. You know, the sort of push you give a kid when he annoys the hell out of ya.

Of course the cart is in the line of fire for me to go on through the "lane" and the path of least resistance and one less shifting of my luxury transmission. That is how she earned her title to me, Lazy as Shit. Walking the extra 10 steps and putting where it would not inconvenience me, or anyone else for that matter, not happening. And god forbid she walk off that Family size bag of Dorito's.

Next, we have contestant, No. 1 - SnottyMommy - aka "I am an uppity, snobbie, better than you bitch! and I don't care." I ain't getting my hands dirty on that thing!

Amazingly enough, I actually went with the wifey to the local Sam's Club. You know the place, everyone is thinking they are getting a bargain, making the Chinese Wingding's family rich from my last post, and you have to be a member. He said "member"(Beavis and Butthead).....ahehehehehe.

Anyway, we leave there and drive over to Party City. I know you're thinking, whats so wrong with a store named Party City? Well first it ain't no kinda of Party and it ain't no city. Its a dumpy little five and dime store that us cheap folks go to get crap for our goofy outings....in other words, we don't spend much on crap that gets thrown into a trash can anyway.

Sitting in the car waiting for wifey to go get $10 back on some overpriced crap toy they marked on sale 2 days after she bought it, when I see her, SnottyMommy walking out with her bratty little blonde 3 year old in tow.
I know, I am supposed to be PC and say how cute and all that, but the broad was still holding on the birth weight gain and was a dyed streaked out blondie, and had more gold on her than Mr. T or 50 cent. - another wanna be rap crapper for you older folks.

She opens the back of her Honda SUV and stuffs the kid in and throws whatever she got at Party City in with him. She then comes around, still pushing the cart of course, and parks it beside her door. She lifts her $500 handbag out, no way she was carrying it the 4 feet from front to back, and gets in her car.

That's when it struck me, this snotty bee-otch is leaving that cart right there in front of my car! That's when she notices me, and then makes some phony ass attempt to look in the back and pretend that she doesn't see me. I gave her the stare.


The 40 yarder, the one that scares the hell outta my son, and I just fixate on her glammy face. She keeps pretending to be messing with the rugrat in the back and won't look at me, I guess she figures I'll leave first and she'll be in the clear on her getaway.

At about that same time, here comes wifey to rave about getting her $10.50 back and is now probably thinking where she can spend that saved money, when I inform her of contestant No.1 in front of our car. I quickly tell her the story and she is as incredulous as me that SnottyMommy is going to leave the cart in the lot.

Mrs. Wifey gets upset and points at the cart and SnottyMommy like, "You are going move that right?" SnottyMommy gives wifey a "bite me and I don't see you look."
I started to laugh a little since this is a woman on woman thing I guess. Wifey starts her rant, "How dare she look at me like that, I'll get out and bitch slap her!" A side of the wifey I must say I enjoyed. I knew there was a reason I married my little gal. Something about that southern redneck side of her actually gets me excited, I know she could whup Mrs. SnottyMommy's ass. Nothing like a good cat fight.

I think both of these 2 contestants (useless buttheads) should win the prize of getting steamrolled by a massive cart, making sure all 4 wheels, even the one that rolls sideways and fights you all the way down an aisle, hit them several times over the head. The size of the cart below should be used, to inflict maximum squeezing of these two zits.

You tell me who should win the prestigious and coveted award of having me use the cart on them. For the gross laziness, and several dents my cars have endured over the years of carts gone amuck, the smackdown goes too?