Telemarketers, they think they won? I don't think so...

I knew it would happen someday, the phone would start ringing again with those non-English speaking telemarketers. It was only a matter of time they would find another way around the DO NOT CALL ME! List.

I have decided to screw with one of them since they call about once a month, and now I figure that I will talk with them every time, it must add to the totals on the "Talk too's list", so I figure someone in India or Pakistan gets another falafel or extra bowl of Dahl when they make a nice total everyday.

It always starts out with the usual greeting, "Is this Mr. MiddleLife?" Of course they always studder and have one hell of a time getting the "dd" part out of their mouths. Must be a real pain in the ass for them to call someone with more than a one syllable name. They, of course, screw it up and I have no problem yelling back in the phone the correct pronunciation so as to make them feel like they flunked their English accent class.

The first time this scum called, they ask "You have a mortgage on your house?" I was stupid in answering "yes" the first time. Then in that Punjab dialect, they start spitting out how they can "help" me.

They immediately ask the proverbial question on the sheet in front of them, translated to whatever country they are calling, "What is your interest rate on your mortgage?" Now that's when it raises the hair on my ass, since when the hell is that any of your business?, I asked the brownie.

He then responds, "How can I help you if you don't tell me?" Then I get majorly pissed and tell him, "Who the hell called who, nimrod? I don't recall asking your foreign ass for any help and why the shit are you calling me? I am on the Do Not Call List, why are you calling me when I am on that list? The dumb bastard actually had the nerve to tell me, "The Do Not Call List does not work."

That's when I responded with, "Well, I know what does." CLICK, buh bye dipshit....

Now you think that would stop these weenies from calling me when I hang up on them right? Hell no, they just wait a few days and call again. I guess my number gets recycled through the endless procession of new recruits of these buttheads.

Call No.2 - I see on Caller ID they have now blocked the phone number from the last place and replaced it with a 800 number, I guess they figure you may think you won some lottery, so you're sure to answer.

Again, I pick it up and say my usual, "Waassssupppp?"

Telemarketing Beggar - Hello, is Mr. Middlelife in?

MiddleLifer - Again, the same stuttering dumb ass is calling. I say sure, you're talking to him. He immediately asks me what my interest rate on my mortgage is? Again, I respond with that's none of your business.

Telemarketing Beggar - Again he responds with, "How can I help you if you won't tell me?"

MiddleLifer - This time, I just tell him point blank, I have no mortgage!

Telemarketing Beggar - He really sputters, never expecting that answer from an American and its definitely not on his response sheet. So this time, he just responds back, you have no mortgage at your current address?

MiddleLifer - I defiantly respond, "That's right punjab, I paid for my shit a long time ago, don't need any rupees today!" And then the CLICK.

Call No.3 - Well they did it again a week later, again a new number on Caller ID. They must have moved to California, the whole tribe, they got Ca. phone numbers now. At first I thought it was my brother in San Diego, so without hesitation I pick it up and say my usual, Wasssuppp? Damn, its the Indian again.

Telemarketing Beggar - Again, the $64,000 question, "What is your mortgage rate sir?"

Thats when I get fed up and decide I will make this guys day.

MiddleLifer - "Man, it like really high, like over 15% and I think I am going in to default and I really need your help."

Telemarketing Beggar - He asks me,"What do you do for a for a living?"

MiddleLifer - I told him that I clean windshields on the corner of Broad and Libbie and it really has not paid off to well. I spent all my money from a week of washing to bail myself out last time when the cops picked me up and charged me with being a vagrant.

Telemarketing Beggar - "Uh, did you say you went to jail?"

MiddleLifer - "Yeah, and I think I may want to kill myself now, would you mind holding on while I get the gun? I want to make sure someone hears the scream before I pull the trigger."

Telemarketing Beggar - CLICK!

I have spent hours calling him back to bug the crap outta him to sell him Life insurance. Smart mortgage boy, must have caller ID, he won't answer.