Free Cuba - make me the next President!

Well gang, it has finally happened. An opening in Cuba has come up and I think I will take that position when they decide its voting time. Fidel has decided he is to old and feeble to be a President anymore. So I have taken it upon myself to become the next "President/Dictator of Cuba".

Now, I know we have a presidential election here, but I figure Dyckerson is the shoe-in candidate and I would rather start out with something smaller. I can work up to the running of a large country after I pillage and plunder the smaller one's first.

My campaign will be large and fat, just like the Cuban people, and perfect for Middle Lifers. I will make several decrees that will ensure my winning on a very high percentage of non Cuban voters.

These are all the improvements that I will make that all Middle Lifers will want, and will also be conveniently located in Cuba, to make sure they move there in the coming months.

My list of promises as the next President of Cuba is as follows:

1. All Taxes will be paid by the peasants. No taxes for any Americans that move there and vote for me. This will enable all MiddleLifers to be able to afford the coconuts, cigars, banana's and Ensure that they will need at some point in the near future.
2. All Cuban cigars will be hand rolled by the peasants and given to all Americans that say, "Vote MiddleLifer for President", upon asking for the best cigars. Even if you don't ask, I will decree they stick one up your ass for future enema usage.
3. All Baseball players will be required to use steroids that move there. That will also enable them to play past their prime and make sure we all get to see them well into our 80's. I think this would also allow all of us to laugh at the Bobble Heads . Except they are life size now and fully human.
   
4. All mafia members will have "Free to Pillage Day" This will ensure that we all will get our Italian friends the right to steal your neighbors big screen TV and sell it to you for a "discount". Casinos will give free chips as to start the riot that will enable the "boys" to clean up and take all your chips after giving you a Ralphy.
   
5. No rainy days! As your new President, I will have totalitarian control over all weather patterns and make sure that all threatening hurricanes steer clear of Cuba and only hit New Orleans. Then I will make the grand and phony gesture of asking if they need our Cuban help. Of course, we as Middle Lifers will not get off our ass unless its to change the channel to avoid looking at that mess.
6. I will decree that on every Sunday, its "Go as you get up from bed day" to church. That means no more putting on that stuffy ass suit and tie. No more having to keep up with that rich neighbor who thinks they are better because they beat you to Target for that fancy bathrobe.
7. Free Depends. Yeah, you may not need them now, but you probably will later. Who knows, you may have that special Cosmonaut that you have to drive to the other side of the island to see, and you may not want to waste time finding a palm tree to use?
8. Final and Last perfect decree for yours truly, "Whatever you want, I'll give it to you Day!" In other words, get in line with the stack of cash, like all dictators, and I'll see what I can do about it.