DisneyWorld - Somebody Whack that Mouse!

Its off to see the Mouse. THE MOUSE! Not any ordinary mouse, the mouse that strikes fear into every parent. The one that makes you cringe and hide from your kids. That MOUSE!

You wonder why I say that? Because this mouse is the only mouse that sets you up to part with several thousands of dollars of cheese! I dare say, this mouse eats off a gold platter, and has the best french cheese money can buy for the price to walk around his royal tail.

You parents know what mouse this is, the dreaded, the one, the only, Disney World mouse. Every parent lives in constant fear after their kids start school. Knowing one day the children will come home and ask the question, "When are we going to DisneyWorld? Kim and Jim went and they had a blast!" That question, strikes total fear in every parent. Why would it strike fear? Only if single people knew. The ass raping you will take at the House of Mouse is enough to make you run and hide and hope your children never hear of it.

It starts innocently enough, you think to yourself, "How much could it be, really? I mean its just an amusement park right?" Then you make the mistake of telling your little munchkins, sure we'll go sometime, maybe for spring break one year. Mistake No. 1.

Well, you start checking into the offers of going to this little place in the swamp. You think, how bad can a swamp park be? Heck its Florida, land of the decrepit and senile, they don't pay taxes and they sure as hell don't have car insurance. So Disney must be fairly cheap, like the early bird special at Denny's right? Mistake No. 2.

You type in a google search - Disney vacations - , and voila, tons of listings for that crap. You think, with all these listings, it will be easy to jew somebody down when you get them on the phone and tell them that you have a small family, just 3, and I'll be requiring the best of everything, but I don't pay for it like a Hilton. Mistake No. 3.

Now you are primed, you see some of the attractions and think to yourself, I wouldn't pay much for that, it seems kinda lame. Pirates of the Caribbean, oh yeah, Johnny Dipwad was in that movie, looked silly enough, must be another cheap copy ride for kids to splash some water on each other. Magic Mountain? Must be some silly lit up crap under the stars and some guy waves a wand as they start the ride? Blizzard Beach? I guess any reason to get wet in 90+ degree weather. Maybe it makes the Polar Bear Club come on down and want to get in?
Tower of Terror? Hmmm, must be some lame attempt at a haunted mansion thingy. They probably get dressed up a little better than most lame parks? Mistake No. 4

As you have noticed, I put a mistake number after each one of these so that you all get the point, that when wrong, it costs a lot. Like voting for the wrong presidential candidate, you will get screwed for much longer than you ever thought possible and it will hurt much worse.

Mistake No. 1. - Never ever tell your kids your going. Tell them the place burned down last week, too bad, they missed it. You will thank me later for this excuse.

Mistake No. 2. - Plan on refinancing your house. The cost of this will set you back like an around the world trip in 1st class on the Titanic. When your eating that $20 cheeseburger that has no condiments, other than that fucking mouses thrown away cheese that was to cheap for him to eat, you will understand the true meaning of getting ass fucked.

Mistake No. 3. - If the word Disney is attached in any way, shape or form, you will be automatically surcharged for that experience and luxury of using the word "Disney."

Mistake No. 4 - All rides, big or small, have more ways to make you wait in a 3 hour line than any other thing you have stood in line for before. Your kids will want to do it, no matter how long the line is. After smelling the German and French line cohorts that did not bother to use the soap in the shower, if they know what one is, you will gladly go on to any ride to eliminate the smell of that BO from your nostrils. Also, the sun will beat you unmercifully during that time in line. Be prepared to pass out atleast twice while waiting for "Its a Small World" and having that annoying song stuck in your head for a week.

I warn all parents with small children from here out, remove the Disney Channel from your TV! Do not let the little curtain climbers hear of it, and if they do, tell them it was when you were a kid, and the place shutdown due to terrorist problems. People were getting blown up in the Castle. Oh yeah, Cinderella divorced Prince Charming and screwed him out of 48 million, so he sold the place too.