What do you lose first, your mind or your mind?

Hello there Blog Fans, I have made it back alive from DisneyWorld during a Spring Break week. Oh, the ranting I could do about this week from hell. Where to begin?

I guess lets start with the ride from the airport to the hotel at Disney. I get my first glimpse of what my hell week will be like. On the bus, it starts with a driver who wished he was a stand up comedian and some one liners that I think Henny Youngman used when he was younger. Then you get to watch the video of Disney and some of the hottest attractions. Keep in mind, this video is not for you, its for your kids. This is what starts them off on the, I WANT TO DO THAT!! rant for the rest of your stay.

You finally get to the hotel in the compound of Disney and the "magic" begins. First, its the magic of having the driver of your bus tell he accepts tips for doing what his company has been paid an exorbitant amount to do already. I just push my wife and kid past him and tell them keep marching.

Enter the Hotel - I get greeted with an Asian person telling me, "Welcome Home". When the hell did this become home? Did I win some major prize that they forgot to tell me? I asked her, "Is this place mine now?" She laughs and says no, we call it that when you arrive. I thought that was a nice joke on me, now I am depressed thinking I lost the prize to someone else.

Off to the check-in counter and up to the room. I start to unpack and get all the crap out for my week of luxury in my new "home". Problem is, I don't have cockroaches in my drawers at home, so I guess Disney felt that it would make me more at home if I did. I didn't tell Mrs. Middlelife, she would have started the we have to leave now routine, and I just didn't want to hear it. I killed it and threw it off the balcony, hope it didn't scare to many kids at the pool below.

Since we left at 7:20am on the plane, we are in Disney by 11:00am and now starting to explore the wonderful world of Disney. Off to Epcot, the walking mans nightmare park. The park is so big, that you wish that were one of the hundreds of old folks that had the electric scooter. The walking amount to get to anything there is pretty long.

Did I say old folks? Excuse me, I meant big ol'oinkers , as in fat asses, for people that should be walking to maybe lose 10lbs off that 100 that they are overweight. I don't think I have ever seen so many morbidly obese people in one gathering except at the State Fair of Va.

We stop at a place for lunch, and now I know why these people are so fat. You want a cheeseburger and fries? Nope, its a Double Burger with CHEESE and bacon, fries, and a large soda, that's standard on this menu. I guess Disney felt they had to adopt larger portions when they saw the masses that come to the parks. Desert? Standard fair, cheesecakes or chocolate something. They make sure when they take your $15 bucks for a lunch, that you are stuffed for the next 8 hours. My skinny wife is trying to figure out where to put this crap in her backpack to take back to the room. She actually thinks she can save this food for later. Little did I know how much Mrs. Middle could put in her middle when she was really hungry. I found out later at another lunch stop.

Magic Kingdom park and The Liberty Tree Inn, a nice place to eat a sit down lunch. Its in the takes a reservation to have the nice experience of eating in the Inn like Dolly Madison worked in. I look at the menu and the first thing they recommend is a pot roast plate. I am not fond of pot roast in general, but Mrs. Middle loves that crap. We order it thinking that it would be probably okay. The next thing I see is this half a cow on a plate over top of a 1/2 gallon of mashed potatoes under it with some veggies. I look at this and go, You have to be kidding me, no way anyone can eat all this, what a waste to give this to someone. That was until I saw the human vacuum cleaner in action. Mrs. Middle went to that like pigs to slop. And did I say the desert was also inhaled by her? Truly amazing to see a 110lb woman inhale food like it was the last supper.

My son, the 65lb skinny kid that he is, as usual, gives us the standard, I am not hungry! That was until he saw deserts come with these prepaid Dining plans. Then all of a sudden its pick at that lunch and dinner then show me the deserts boy. Calories galore poured into him that week, I am sure his dentist is going to love me with the cavities that I am sure got started with all those sugar sweets.


But I think my biggest complaint award goes to the Stroller Army. They own the place and made sure you damn well knew it. I even saw people with a stroller and no kids! Why you may ask would they be such a pest and nuisance? AS I found out, those with strollers own the roads, walkways, sidewalks, and anything else that 4 wheels roll on. As well as being able to jump to the front of the line for any show they wanted to attend. You could see them move through a crowd when you're stuck and can't walk anywhere, they push their way through and all the time yelling, child here, move it please. Then you get hit in the ankles and shin from behind with that damn thing and your first instinct is to whack someone, HARD.

What a week from hell. A screaming kid, a wife losing it when you don't stop at every Disney store on the properties. Why did I do this? Because I just love my family so much that I will endure this so I can take a week at Pinehurst later this summer, my reward.